"Hate You More" (Final Chapter)

Chapter 15




“Oh come on!”. He tries to slam the door but I manage to push it back at him. He gives up. He walks to the living room and sits on the couch. He is soundless. He is just sitting there as if he’s waiting for me to actually say something.

“I came to see if you’re okay.”. I rub his shoulder gently. He nudges away. I try not to shock myself easily. I really need to get this thing straight. I take a deep long breath. I move my body closer to him. He moves his body an inch away from me. Again, I try not to get emotional.

“ What’s going on, Joshua? I.. I think…you need to stop. Stop doing this!”. I try to hold back my tears. He looks at me.

“Stop doing what?”. He almost shouts it.
“This ! This game!”. I shout it back at him.
“I ain’t playing a game. I’m being real”
“ Then tell me what’s going on. You’re getting on my nerves over here!”

“What is wrong with you?”. He shouts it, again. He looks so mad.
“What is wrong with YOU?”. I’m losing my mind. He sighs and stands up. He takes a look at me and walks.

“Please!”. I can’t help but to cry. I’m in tears. I’m dying to know. He’s still playing this stupid game of his. He turns his face. He comes back and sits on the couch.

“If I told you, would you get off my back?”
“ What? What are you saying?”
“ Would you leave for good if I told you everything?”.
“Josh?”. I whisper.

“Answer the question, Jammy”. I look down. I’m holding back my sadness. I try. But I can’t lie to myself. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. But most importantly, I feel unloved. I look at him. His chest is going up and down. He’s standing there waiting for my answer. I have no other choice than to nod. He sighs. He sulks it in and hold both of my shoulders. He inhales.

“Jammy…”. He stops. It looks like he tries to get words out of him. He looks like he’s having a hard time to even speak. I wait patiently. But I have to admit, I’ve never been this nervous. It’s like I’m waiting for a death sentence.

“I want you to stay calm. Don’t freak out. Jammy, I’m.. I’m…Oh my god! I’m not sure if I could do this!”. I’m about to lose my breath. He’s not making this any easier. I look at him deep into his eyes. He understands that I’m dying to know about it.

“Jammy, I’m..I’m”. He cries uncontrollably.

“I’m…I’m…positive!”. He looks down.
“You’re positive about what?”. I still don’t get it. He looks at me and has that puzzled expression on his face. He looks straight into my eyes and tries to explain. His eyes are wide open.

“Jammy…I’m positive…”
“Positive as in?”. I ask.
“As in…I’m…it’s ..eeer…H…H.I.V ! I’m…I’m H.I.V positive!”. His eyes are still on me. I feel like my heart is being ripped off. My head feels so heavy. I can feel the tears all over my cheeks and neck. He’s crying too.

“I just.. I …I love you so much..But knowing that I might be..dead? I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I’m getting closer to death day by day. I don’t want this feeling to grow. Because I don’t want to build something that I don’t get to see the ending.”

“Josh! I..I don’t know what to say..”. I startle. I really really don’t know what to say. Thousands of things are on my mind right now. Ugly things. He takes both of my hands and put them against his chest.

“ I don’t want to ruin your life. Being with me would just make things difficult. I know you’ve always thought that you were the worst thing that ever happened to me. You’ve always thought you’ve ruined my life by setting this entire thing up. But the truth is I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you. Without me, you wouldn’t be falling for me. Without me, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying for me. Without me….without me…you wouldn’t have to leave me.”. He cries harder while trying to finish his sentence.

He knees to the ground. He touches my feet. I can feel his warm tears dropping on my feet. I’m still not talking. Maybe because there’s nothing to be said. Some things are better left unsaid. I then sit down with him on the floor. I push my body against him. He really needs a hug. I hug him so tight, I can feel his heart beat. So weak. I cry even harder.

“Wait”. Suddenly I’m trying to say something. I wipe my tear and take off my jacket. He looks confused. He doesn’t really get what I was trying to do.

“I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you too. I’ve always thought that I could protect you. But to see you this weak really kills me. It really does, Honey. I want to live with you. But…but..not as much as I want to die with you”. He looks up. He still looks like he’s trying to figure out what I’m trying to suggest. I untie my hair and get nearer to him. My chest gently presses against his. He wipes his tears.

“Give it to me!”. I whisper it. He wrinkles his forehead.

“What? What do you mean?”.
“Let’s do it!”
“What?”
“Sleep me with. Infect me. I don’t care. I’ll do anything to be with you!”.
“You’re crazy!”. He pushes me until my head bumps the edge of the couch. I don’t get it. Why is he trying to avoid? Isn’t this what he’s been wanting? To be with me?

“You don’t understand. Let’s do it and we don’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. Because then we’ll both have it. We’ll be in this together. We’ll be together until we die.”. I touch his face trying to get a kiss from him. He pushes my hand.

“No, YOU don’t understand! Do you think having it is fun?”. He grabs my neck. “You have no idea what’s waiting for you once you have it. I do. And I don’t think you can handle it”.

“And…and you think you..you can handle it? By yourself?”. My tears start running again. My eyes are swelling. Seeing me bursting in tears makes him cries uncontrollably.

“I don’t know. But I have to find out by myself. I’m the one who caused this trouble. Let me deal with it. You should have nothing to do with this. You should have nothing to do with me now!”. He grabs my arm and drags me out the door and slams it. I don’t feel like knocking like I always did after being thrown away. I feel so empty. And I know he feels the same way. Josh, I’m going to miss you. A lot. A lot!




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“So, all I have to say, PLAY SAFE!”. Everybody giggles after they hear my last sentence. They stand up and start applauding. Camera flashes are everywhere. I give my best poses to them. I’m really glad that I agreed to do this although this whole thing has been such an experience for me. At the very corner of the room, a middle-aged woman dressed in black come on to me smiling in joy.

“Miss Suzanne! You have no idea how this means to our organization. Your devotion and dedication to our organization and our campaign is unbelievable. I pray for your happiness in every walk of life.”. She can’t stop smiling and shaking my hand. To tell the truth, that kind of makes me proud of myself.

“It’s a pleasure to be here and be part of this. You don’t have to worry about the future of your organization. I promise I’ll always support you guys. And trust me; if there’s anything you want me to do, I’ll help”. I chuckle.

“Wow, now that’s a good ambassador!”.She smiles back at me.
“Hey, I’m just trying to help. I mean, I really..really understand how these AIDS and HIV patients deserve to live longer. I do.”

She hugs me and walks away. I guess my job here is done. I go get my bag and my car keys and I’m ready to go. I walk to the parking lot and unlock my car. I get in.

“Hey.”. A tender voice strikes me. I look at the wind shield. A figure of a guy with fair skin is standing in front of me. He walks near me and smile.

“Josh, you came!”
“I did!”. He laughs. He is smiling and I have to say I’ve never seen him that sweet.
“But you’re late, honey. The conference ended like 20 minutes ago”.
“ I was here the whole time. You didn’t notice me.”He smiles again. So do I.

“I’m proud of you! What you’ve done..well, it really means a lot to me!”, he says. I feel warm each time I see him standing there in front of me. He doesn’t have to say or do anything. Just knowing that he’s there just gives me joy.

“I miss you, Jay!”. He touches my hand with his cold palm.
“I miss you more!”. I can see his eyes sparkle. He looks beautiful. Beyond words. He smiles again. As always, his smile never fails to melt me down.

“ahahaha.. You miss me more? Not possible!”. He walks away. He catches a look at me and turns his head away. I get out of the car to chase him. But I can’t seem to find him. He disappears as always.

Ever since he died 2 months ago, I keep seeing him everywhere. And I see him and talk to him almost every day. But he keeps fading away from me. Just like that. I can’t seem to get over him. I can’t. He was my life.

“Josh,
I hate you for giving me promises you never kept,
I hate you for coming into my life and then leaving me,
I hate you for making me believe in forever,
I hate you for making me love you,
I know you’ll hate me if you hear all these things about me hating you,
But I HATE YOU MORE”



The End