Chapter 15
“Oh come on!”. He tries to slam the door but I manage to push it back at him. He gives up. He walks to the living room and sits on the couch. He is soundless. He is just sitting there as if he’s waiting for me to actually say something.
“I came to see if you’re okay.”. I rub his shoulder gently. He nudges away. I try not to shock myself easily. I really need to get this thing straight. I take a deep long breath. I move my body closer to him. He moves his body an inch away from me. Again, I try not to get emotional.
“ What’s going on, Joshua? I.. I think…you need to stop. Stop doing this!”. I try to hold back my tears. He looks at me.
“Stop doing what?”. He almost shouts it.
“This ! This game!”. I shout it back at him.
“I ain’t playing a game. I’m being real”
“ Then tell me what’s going on. You’re getting on my nerves over here!”
“What is wrong with you?”. He shouts it, again. He looks so mad.
“What is wrong with YOU?”. I’m losing my mind. He sighs and stands up. He takes a look at me and walks.
“Please!”. I can’t help but to cry. I’m in tears. I’m dying to know. He’s still playing this stupid game of his. He turns his face. He comes back and sits on the couch.
“If I told you, would you get off my back?”
“ What? What are you saying?”
“ Would you leave for good if I told you everything?”.
“Josh?”. I whisper.
“Answer the question, Jammy”. I look down. I’m holding back my sadness. I try. But I can’t lie to myself. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. But most importantly, I feel unloved. I look at him. His chest is going up and down. He’s standing there waiting for my answer. I have no other choice than to nod. He sighs. He sulks it in and hold both of my shoulders. He inhales.
“Jammy…”. He stops. It looks like he tries to get words out of him. He looks like he’s having a hard time to even speak. I wait patiently. But I have to admit, I’ve never been this nervous. It’s like I’m waiting for a death sentence.
“I want you to stay calm. Don’t freak out. Jammy, I’m.. I’m…Oh my god! I’m not sure if I could do this!”. I’m about to lose my breath. He’s not making this any easier. I look at him deep into his eyes. He understands that I’m dying to know about it.
“Jammy, I’m..I’m”. He cries uncontrollably.
“I’m…I’m…positive!”. He looks down.
“You’re positive about what?”. I still don’t get it. He looks at me and has that puzzled expression on his face. He looks straight into my eyes and tries to explain. His eyes are wide open.
“Jammy…I’m positive…”
“Positive as in?”. I ask.
“As in…I’m…it’s ..eeer…H…H.I.V ! I’m…I’m H.I.V positive!”. His eyes are still on me. I feel like my heart is being ripped off. My head feels so heavy. I can feel the tears all over my cheeks and neck. He’s crying too.
“I just.. I …I love you so much..But knowing that I might be..dead? I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I’m getting closer to death day by day. I don’t want this feeling to grow. Because I don’t want to build something that I don’t get to see the ending.”
“Josh! I..I don’t know what to say..”. I startle. I really really don’t know what to say. Thousands of things are on my mind right now. Ugly things. He takes both of my hands and put them against his chest.
“ I don’t want to ruin your life. Being with me would just make things difficult. I know you’ve always thought that you were the worst thing that ever happened to me. You’ve always thought you’ve ruined my life by setting this entire thing up. But the truth is I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you. Without me, you wouldn’t be falling for me. Without me, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying for me. Without me….without me…you wouldn’t have to leave me.”. He cries harder while trying to finish his sentence.
He knees to the ground. He touches my feet. I can feel his warm tears dropping on my feet. I’m still not talking. Maybe because there’s nothing to be said. Some things are better left unsaid. I then sit down with him on the floor. I push my body against him. He really needs a hug. I hug him so tight, I can feel his heart beat. So weak. I cry even harder.
“Wait”. Suddenly I’m trying to say something. I wipe my tear and take off my jacket. He looks confused. He doesn’t really get what I was trying to do.
“I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you too. I’ve always thought that I could protect you. But to see you this weak really kills me. It really does, Honey. I want to live with you. But…but..not as much as I want to die with you”. He looks up. He still looks like he’s trying to figure out what I’m trying to suggest. I untie my hair and get nearer to him. My chest gently presses against his. He wipes his tears.
“Give it to me!”. I whisper it. He wrinkles his forehead.
“What? What do you mean?”.
“Let’s do it!”
“What?”
“Sleep me with. Infect me. I don’t care. I’ll do anything to be with you!”.
“You’re crazy!”. He pushes me until my head bumps the edge of the couch. I don’t get it. Why is he trying to avoid? Isn’t this what he’s been wanting? To be with me?
“You don’t understand. Let’s do it and we don’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. Because then we’ll both have it. We’ll be in this together. We’ll be together until we die.”. I touch his face trying to get a kiss from him. He pushes my hand.
“No, YOU don’t understand! Do you think having it is fun?”. He grabs my neck. “You have no idea what’s waiting for you once you have it. I do. And I don’t think you can handle it”.
“And…and you think you..you can handle it? By yourself?”. My tears start running again. My eyes are swelling. Seeing me bursting in tears makes him cries uncontrollably.
“I don’t know. But I have to find out by myself. I’m the one who caused this trouble. Let me deal with it. You should have nothing to do with this. You should have nothing to do with me now!”. He grabs my arm and drags me out the door and slams it. I don’t feel like knocking like I always did after being thrown away. I feel so empty. And I know he feels the same way. Josh, I’m going to miss you. A lot. A lot!
\
* * *
“So, all I have to say, PLAY SAFE!”. Everybody giggles after they hear my last sentence. They stand up and start applauding. Camera flashes are everywhere. I give my best poses to them. I’m really glad that I agreed to do this although this whole thing has been such an experience for me. At the very corner of the room, a middle-aged woman dressed in black come on to me smiling in joy.
“Miss Suzanne! You have no idea how this means to our organization. Your devotion and dedication to our organization and our campaign is unbelievable. I pray for your happiness in every walk of life.”. She can’t stop smiling and shaking my hand. To tell the truth, that kind of makes me proud of myself.
“It’s a pleasure to be here and be part of this. You don’t have to worry about the future of your organization. I promise I’ll always support you guys. And trust me; if there’s anything you want me to do, I’ll help”. I chuckle.
“Wow, now that’s a good ambassador!”.She smiles back at me.
“Hey, I’m just trying to help. I mean, I really..really understand how these AIDS and HIV patients deserve to live longer. I do.”
She hugs me and walks away. I guess my job here is done. I go get my bag and my car keys and I’m ready to go. I walk to the parking lot and unlock my car. I get in.
“Hey.”. A tender voice strikes me. I look at the wind shield. A figure of a guy with fair skin is standing in front of me. He walks near me and smile.
“Josh, you came!”
“I did!”. He laughs. He is smiling and I have to say I’ve never seen him that sweet.
“But you’re late, honey. The conference ended like 20 minutes ago”.
“ I was here the whole time. You didn’t notice me.”He smiles again. So do I.
“I’m proud of you! What you’ve done..well, it really means a lot to me!”, he says. I feel warm each time I see him standing there in front of me. He doesn’t have to say or do anything. Just knowing that he’s there just gives me joy.
“I miss you, Jay!”. He touches my hand with his cold palm.
“I miss you more!”. I can see his eyes sparkle. He looks beautiful. Beyond words. He smiles again. As always, his smile never fails to melt me down.
“ahahaha.. You miss me more? Not possible!”. He walks away. He catches a look at me and turns his head away. I get out of the car to chase him. But I can’t seem to find him. He disappears as always.
Ever since he died 2 months ago, I keep seeing him everywhere. And I see him and talk to him almost every day. But he keeps fading away from me. Just like that. I can’t seem to get over him. I can’t. He was my life.
“Josh,
I hate you for giving me promises you never kept,
I hate you for coming into my life and then leaving me,
I hate you for making me believe in forever,
I hate you for making me love you,
I know you’ll hate me if you hear all these things about me hating you,
But I HATE YOU MORE”
The End
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Hate You More (Chapter 14)
Chapter 14
“Who are you?”
“Ok this is fun! You knocked on my door and I’m the one who should introduce myself”
“My name is Jammy”
“Now this is even more fun! I know who you are. Everyone does! Fun! Fun! Fun!”
“And I’m the one who’s not having any fun! Where’s Joshua?”, I ask. This guy is annoying. He looks surprised.
“You mean… You haven’t heard?”, he asks.
“What? What? What do you mean?”, I ask. What is he talking about?
“I thought he’s told you!”
“What is it?”
“He’s moved to the suburb. His late mother left a house for him there. He said he was going to tell you”
“Oh my god! That was him! He called me last night. It said ‘unknown caller’, so I didn’t pick up. Do you know where he went?”
* * *
“Hello? Joshy? It’s me. Open up”. Nobody. I push the door knob. It is open. I walk in. The living room is empty. There is a bedroom on my left. I walk into the room. I can not believe my eyes. There he is! There is Joshua. I feel an instant relieve on my chest. I thought I wasn’t going to see him again and there he is, sitting on the side of the bed. Crying. Wait! He’s crying! The love of my life is crying. I have Goosebumps all over my body. Why is he crying? Am I supposed to do something?
“Josh?”. He turns. He wipes his tears hurriedly. He looks at me. He looks surprised.
“Jammy? How did you find me here?”
“That guy..he was in your house..he gave me the address. Are you okay?”
“Jammy, I think you should go.”. He pushes me gently. The tears are still visible in his eyes. And some on his cheeks. His pinkish red cheeks.
“What? Why? Is there something I should know?”
“ I said go!”
“Wait. What’s wrong? Why didn’t you tell me you were moving here?”
“I tried to tell you..”
“Oh, yeah..about that. I didn’t know it was you. Now, why are you crying?”
“I don’t think this is such a good idea.”. He stands and drags me out of the room.
“You should leave”. He throws me out the door. I stare at him. His chest is going up and down.
“Josh?”
“ You’ll hate me now but as time goes by, you’d know this is the right thing to do!”
“Would you stop talking nonsense? I want you to tell me what’s going on and I want you to tell me right now?”
“Oh, is that an order of yours again? I’m not your slave. At least not anymore. I quit, remember? Now go before I call the cops”
“You’re calling the cops on me?”. He nods. He looks so furious but strangely, he still has tears in his eyes. What is he hiding from me? And why is he hiding it from me?
“ Jammy, look at me! You need to go. Believe me! I’m doing the right thing”. The tears on his eyes are now all over his face. I’m going crazy. I grab his collar.
“Please don’t do this! Please! You’re freaking me out. Why, all of the sudden are you trying to avoid me? If you’re dying to get me out of your face, at least tell me what’s going on? Please don’t do this.”. Tears are all over my face.
“Jammy, please! I’m begging you. This isn’t easy for me either. I hope…I hope you understand. I need a break from all this. You..you take care.”. He closes the door. There I am crying my heart out in front of his door.
“Josh! You said I was your friend! You forgot about our friendship? I know I didn’t. I met a lot of annoying people my entire life. But none of them broke my heart like you did. I..I know things haven’t been going the way we planned..But..Josh…open the door.”. I’m shouting. I’m shouting in the hopes of him opening the door. But there’s no sign of it. None. I have no place to go. I’m 50miles away from home and I don’t really know this place. I’m not going. I’m not. This isn’t over. I need to know. I need to know. Yes, I do!
“Who are you?”
“Ok this is fun! You knocked on my door and I’m the one who should introduce myself”
“My name is Jammy”
“Now this is even more fun! I know who you are. Everyone does! Fun! Fun! Fun!”
“And I’m the one who’s not having any fun! Where’s Joshua?”, I ask. This guy is annoying. He looks surprised.
“You mean… You haven’t heard?”, he asks.
“What? What? What do you mean?”, I ask. What is he talking about?
“I thought he’s told you!”
“What is it?”
“He’s moved to the suburb. His late mother left a house for him there. He said he was going to tell you”
“Oh my god! That was him! He called me last night. It said ‘unknown caller’, so I didn’t pick up. Do you know where he went?”
* * *
“Hello? Joshy? It’s me. Open up”. Nobody. I push the door knob. It is open. I walk in. The living room is empty. There is a bedroom on my left. I walk into the room. I can not believe my eyes. There he is! There is Joshua. I feel an instant relieve on my chest. I thought I wasn’t going to see him again and there he is, sitting on the side of the bed. Crying. Wait! He’s crying! The love of my life is crying. I have Goosebumps all over my body. Why is he crying? Am I supposed to do something?
“Josh?”. He turns. He wipes his tears hurriedly. He looks at me. He looks surprised.
“Jammy? How did you find me here?”
“That guy..he was in your house..he gave me the address. Are you okay?”
“Jammy, I think you should go.”. He pushes me gently. The tears are still visible in his eyes. And some on his cheeks. His pinkish red cheeks.
“What? Why? Is there something I should know?”
“ I said go!”
“Wait. What’s wrong? Why didn’t you tell me you were moving here?”
“I tried to tell you..”
“Oh, yeah..about that. I didn’t know it was you. Now, why are you crying?”
“I don’t think this is such a good idea.”. He stands and drags me out of the room.
“You should leave”. He throws me out the door. I stare at him. His chest is going up and down.
“Josh?”
“ You’ll hate me now but as time goes by, you’d know this is the right thing to do!”
“Would you stop talking nonsense? I want you to tell me what’s going on and I want you to tell me right now?”
“Oh, is that an order of yours again? I’m not your slave. At least not anymore. I quit, remember? Now go before I call the cops”
“You’re calling the cops on me?”. He nods. He looks so furious but strangely, he still has tears in his eyes. What is he hiding from me? And why is he hiding it from me?
“ Jammy, look at me! You need to go. Believe me! I’m doing the right thing”. The tears on his eyes are now all over his face. I’m going crazy. I grab his collar.
“Please don’t do this! Please! You’re freaking me out. Why, all of the sudden are you trying to avoid me? If you’re dying to get me out of your face, at least tell me what’s going on? Please don’t do this.”. Tears are all over my face.
“Jammy, please! I’m begging you. This isn’t easy for me either. I hope…I hope you understand. I need a break from all this. You..you take care.”. He closes the door. There I am crying my heart out in front of his door.
“Josh! You said I was your friend! You forgot about our friendship? I know I didn’t. I met a lot of annoying people my entire life. But none of them broke my heart like you did. I..I know things haven’t been going the way we planned..But..Josh…open the door.”. I’m shouting. I’m shouting in the hopes of him opening the door. But there’s no sign of it. None. I have no place to go. I’m 50miles away from home and I don’t really know this place. I’m not going. I’m not. This isn’t over. I need to know. I need to know. Yes, I do!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Hate You More (Chapter 13)
It’s morning. Again. I’m all alone. Again. I’m missing someone. Again. I walk to the living room to check on my answering machine. There’s a red light on it. Someone must’ve left a message last night.
“Morning. I was just...I’m calling because...Emm...I know you’re asleep. How many times have I told you not to sleep late? Eemm...so, how are you? err...You okay? Your manager told me you’ve canceled most of your shows. I hope ...I hope that...Err...You know what, ermm, I’ll call you back”.
Oh my god. I totally recognize the voice. Yes. Yes I do.
Next Message! Beep!
Baby, If you’ve heard the previous message, just..emm..just ignore it. I really have something to say. emm..Well, I..i know you hate me now. I’m sorry. I..oh my god..I really thought I could do this. But I couldn’t. I’ll call you. I’ll call you back! Maybe! emm…Bye”
Last Message! Beep!
You said my skinny jeans make me look fat but I hate you more,
You said I talked like a transvestite but I hate you more,
You thought I had a terrible taste in guys but I hate you more,
You thought my taste in women were even worse but I hate you more,
You’ve said everything
When I said you looked sweet, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were nice, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were beautiful, it meant I hated you,
When I said I was jealous of your success, it meant I hated you
I’ve said everything except this one thing
I…I…I love you!!
He …he… loves me? I have to call him. Right now.
TO BE CONTINUED
“Morning. I was just...I’m calling because...Emm...I know you’re asleep. How many times have I told you not to sleep late? Eemm...so, how are you? err...You okay? Your manager told me you’ve canceled most of your shows. I hope ...I hope that...Err...You know what, ermm, I’ll call you back”.
Oh my god. I totally recognize the voice. Yes. Yes I do.
Next Message! Beep!
Baby, If you’ve heard the previous message, just..emm..just ignore it. I really have something to say. emm..Well, I..i know you hate me now. I’m sorry. I..oh my god..I really thought I could do this. But I couldn’t. I’ll call you. I’ll call you back! Maybe! emm…Bye”
Last Message! Beep!
You said my skinny jeans make me look fat but I hate you more,
You said I talked like a transvestite but I hate you more,
You thought I had a terrible taste in guys but I hate you more,
You thought my taste in women were even worse but I hate you more,
You’ve said everything
When I said you looked sweet, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were nice, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were beautiful, it meant I hated you,
When I said I was jealous of your success, it meant I hated you
I’ve said everything except this one thing
I…I…I love you!!
He …he… loves me? I have to call him. Right now.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 12)
I wear it on my wrist. The bracelet seems loose and wobbly. Joshua’s wrist has always been bigger than mine. The bracelet meant so much for the both of us. It meant love and friendship. It meant we’d always have each other. It meant we’d never keep secrets between one another. But those what it used to be. Now? The bracelet is on the wrong wrist. It is supposed to be on a wrist owned by someone who is pure and knows his place. Someone who’s not afraid to be his true self. Now, it’s on a wrist owned by someone who had a chance but blew it. Someone who had everything she needed under her nose but pretended not to see it.
My tears fall down on my wrist. They fall right on the bracelet. I wipe it off. The writing that says “Hate You More” on the bracelet really crushes my heart. My heart feels like it’s flying. My head is spinning. I’m crying my heart out. I really need someone next to me. Joshua. I need him. The room still smells like him. It feels like he’s here; except that he’s not! I touch the bracelet on my wrist. I still remember the first thing he said when I first got him the bracelet.
“Gross!”. I stared at him. I went all the way to some stall and bought him a bracelet. I even got it specially carved for him and that was the first thing he said. Gross!
“Gross? What are you talking about?”, I said. I tried to snatch the bracelet from his palm but he dragged it behind his back.
“You got me a bracelet”, he said while doing the stupid air-quotes. “You’re acting like we’re some kind of..you know..one of those cheesy loving couple. Hmmm, I say GROSS!”, he laughed his butt off. “And I’m the gay one?”, he continued laughing. I looked down; trying to show him I was sulking up. He realized and stopped his laughs. He tried to look straight at my face but I looked away. I could feel him grabbing me from behind. I felt chills all over my body.
“Hey, I was just kidding. I’m sorry.”, he said. He showed the bracelet. He was already wearing it. “I love it. It’s so sweet and..and..romantic.”. I looked at him. He slowly pulled me. I leaned on his shoulder. He looked at the bracelet again.
“When you say ‘Hate You More’, what are you trying to suggest?”, he asked while still looking at the bracelet.
“Well, I just thought it was funny! You know how those love couples have their stuff carved ‘Forever Love’, or ‘Love You Too’..or..or.. ‘Ever After’. ‘Hate You More’! Now, that’s going to be a part of history.”. I laughed. So did he. He took my hand and put it on his mouth.
“So, are you saying that you hate me?”. He asked, but he asked it gently. It was like he was asking a question when he already knew what the answer was. I looked at him. I smiled and put my hand on his lap. I nodded.
“I hate you.”, I whispered it in his ear. He looked down and he had a slight smile on his face. He smiled at me. I was so happy and was having the best time of my life. But I had no idea why. I was happy. That was all I knew.
“Well, I hate you more!”, he said while he wobbled the bracelet to my face. I smiled, again. I wish I had a camera so I could record this. This very moment. Because it was too good to be true. I knew that no moment is too good to last.
“Not possible”, I replied. He had a cute giggle. I melted. Oh my god! Was I falling for him? I couldn’t tell.
But now? YES I CAN! I can tell that I’m falling for him. I can tell that it’s him I’ve been thinking about. I can tell that he’s the only reason I live. I can tell that he’s the only one who could put a smile on my face. But the question is, is he feeling the same or this is just a one-way street? I mean he once said that he loved me. But I didn’t think he was serious. Yes, he said it. He said that he loved me.Well, technically.He said it but in his own way.
The kiss. The kiss we had after the show was amazing. At least I thought it was. The kiss took place hours before he left for my house to pack all his stuff. He was ready to leave. He was ready to leave his car. He was ready to leave all the camera flashes. He was ready to leave the mansion. He was ready to leave the fame. But most importantly, HE WAS READY TO LEAVE ME. And he did. But when he tried to come back, I rejected him. I rejected the only chance for me to be happy. I rejected him. I rejected him. I rejected him.
My phone rings. I look at the screen. ‘Unknown Caller’. Hmmm. I’m not in the mood to entertain anyone. Not now. I need to get some sleep. Only god knows if I ever wake up tomorrow.
To BE CONTINUED
My tears fall down on my wrist. They fall right on the bracelet. I wipe it off. The writing that says “Hate You More” on the bracelet really crushes my heart. My heart feels like it’s flying. My head is spinning. I’m crying my heart out. I really need someone next to me. Joshua. I need him. The room still smells like him. It feels like he’s here; except that he’s not! I touch the bracelet on my wrist. I still remember the first thing he said when I first got him the bracelet.
“Gross!”. I stared at him. I went all the way to some stall and bought him a bracelet. I even got it specially carved for him and that was the first thing he said. Gross!
“Gross? What are you talking about?”, I said. I tried to snatch the bracelet from his palm but he dragged it behind his back.
“You got me a bracelet”, he said while doing the stupid air-quotes. “You’re acting like we’re some kind of..you know..one of those cheesy loving couple. Hmmm, I say GROSS!”, he laughed his butt off. “And I’m the gay one?”, he continued laughing. I looked down; trying to show him I was sulking up. He realized and stopped his laughs. He tried to look straight at my face but I looked away. I could feel him grabbing me from behind. I felt chills all over my body.
“Hey, I was just kidding. I’m sorry.”, he said. He showed the bracelet. He was already wearing it. “I love it. It’s so sweet and..and..romantic.”. I looked at him. He slowly pulled me. I leaned on his shoulder. He looked at the bracelet again.
“When you say ‘Hate You More’, what are you trying to suggest?”, he asked while still looking at the bracelet.
“Well, I just thought it was funny! You know how those love couples have their stuff carved ‘Forever Love’, or ‘Love You Too’..or..or.. ‘Ever After’. ‘Hate You More’! Now, that’s going to be a part of history.”. I laughed. So did he. He took my hand and put it on his mouth.
“So, are you saying that you hate me?”. He asked, but he asked it gently. It was like he was asking a question when he already knew what the answer was. I looked at him. I smiled and put my hand on his lap. I nodded.
“I hate you.”, I whispered it in his ear. He looked down and he had a slight smile on his face. He smiled at me. I was so happy and was having the best time of my life. But I had no idea why. I was happy. That was all I knew.
“Well, I hate you more!”, he said while he wobbled the bracelet to my face. I smiled, again. I wish I had a camera so I could record this. This very moment. Because it was too good to be true. I knew that no moment is too good to last.
“Not possible”, I replied. He had a cute giggle. I melted. Oh my god! Was I falling for him? I couldn’t tell.
But now? YES I CAN! I can tell that I’m falling for him. I can tell that it’s him I’ve been thinking about. I can tell that he’s the only reason I live. I can tell that he’s the only one who could put a smile on my face. But the question is, is he feeling the same or this is just a one-way street? I mean he once said that he loved me. But I didn’t think he was serious. Yes, he said it. He said that he loved me.Well, technically.He said it but in his own way.
The kiss. The kiss we had after the show was amazing. At least I thought it was. The kiss took place hours before he left for my house to pack all his stuff. He was ready to leave. He was ready to leave his car. He was ready to leave all the camera flashes. He was ready to leave the mansion. He was ready to leave the fame. But most importantly, HE WAS READY TO LEAVE ME. And he did. But when he tried to come back, I rejected him. I rejected the only chance for me to be happy. I rejected him. I rejected him. I rejected him.
My phone rings. I look at the screen. ‘Unknown Caller’. Hmmm. I’m not in the mood to entertain anyone. Not now. I need to get some sleep. Only god knows if I ever wake up tomorrow.
To BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 11)
He said this whole thing was such a fake. And now I’m not in the position to deny it. I bought him a car so that he would hold my hand on the red carpet. I bought him posh and costly clothes so he would kiss on my cheek every time we saw the paparazzi taking our pictures. I brought him to classy dinners so that he would act romantic and passionately towards me. Yes. I did all that. I did all the good things for all the wrong reasons. But there’s one thing I bought for him which I didn’t ask for anything in return. But he retuned it with hate and disappointment. That bracelet. That silver bracelet I bought for him not long ago. We were at the beach back in my hometown having a weekend break together.
“ Oh my god! Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing!”, I asked him. There he was sitting on the sand looking very into what he was doing. He looked so concentrated; he didn’t even wipe the sweats coming down from his forehead. I sat next to him. I needed a break from all the ocean waves anyway.
“What? I’m making sand castles.”, he smiled. He looked so positively animated and excited. I looked at him.
“Sand castle? What are you, 10?”.
“You must’ve had a very terrible childhood. You’re always so bitter!”
“Very funny! You’re ONE funny gay guy, you know that?”
“There you go again! So bitter.”, he said. I ignored him and lied down on the mat. He kept on molding and sorting the sand. It was cute, really. He was such an adorable guy. So cute, I could eat him with a spoon.
“Done!”, he said. He waved his hand to me wanting me to look at it. I sat up and took a look at his ‘work of art’. Surprisingly amazing. I tried to come out with a gay joke on it but I got nothing. It was astounding, I gave him that.
“C+!”, I said.
“C+? You’re a monster.”. He did a ‘touch-up’ on it. I laughed. Then, we decided to walk along the beachside. It was one experience I could never forget. It was beautiful, with the sun setting, and the birds. It sounded cliché but it was nothing but the truth. He looked stunning under the sunset with only his boxer short.
“Can I ask you something?”. I asked him. I needed to get something off my chest.
“Yup, it hurts the first time”, he said.
“Huh?”.
I was so confused. I saw his lips moving but had no idea what he was saying.
“Oh, I thought you were going to ask about…err,,,anyway, what is it?”. His face turned red. Both cheeks.
“Well, I was just wondering..have you always known, errr you know..”. I couldn’t finish my sentence. I was hoping he would catch up.
“You mean, have I always known I was gay?”. He did catch up. I nodded. He looked up to the sky and took a long breath.
“ I knew I was gay when I was 16. I had this huge crush on my best friend. But he had a girlfriend back then. I often escorted them when they went out. My heart crushed every time I saw them kissing. But then one day, they broke up. So, I came on to him to tell him that I liked him.”
“And did you tell him? What did he say, then?”, I asked. I was so eager to know. He looked at me and grinned. We kept walking.
“I knew he was straight. And I knew he would be okay with it, but I had no idea that the confession I made changed our friendship forever.”. He looked like he was going to burst into tears but he pretended not to be.
“He moved out of town. We met minutes before he left. He gave me this beautiful silver bracelet with ‘ 4 – Eva’ written on it. It was the greatest gift I’ve ever had. I wore it every day”. He smiled again. That day I realized that he had the sweetest smile. I then took his hand and looked at his wrist.
“Where’s the bracelet? Why aren’t you wearing it anymore?”. I asked.
“When I was 19, my dad found out I was gay. He assumed that the bracelet was given by some guy I was dating. He ripped it off my wrist and threw it away.”.
I got shocked. He suddenly stopped walking. He looked away. I touched his shoulder and he looked at me.
“I know you’ll make a gay joke on me but…but…is it ok if I hug you?”. He asked. He had tears in his eyes.
“Hug me? oh, ermm,,I ..”, he hugged me before I could ever finish my sentence. He was sobbing and I tried to comfort him. He let go and took me sitting on a bench near the bench. My eyes caught a very unique stall near us.
“Erm, I’ll be back in a minute”., I said and went to the stall.
TO BE CONTINUED
“ Oh my god! Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing!”, I asked him. There he was sitting on the sand looking very into what he was doing. He looked so concentrated; he didn’t even wipe the sweats coming down from his forehead. I sat next to him. I needed a break from all the ocean waves anyway.
“What? I’m making sand castles.”, he smiled. He looked so positively animated and excited. I looked at him.
“Sand castle? What are you, 10?”.
“You must’ve had a very terrible childhood. You’re always so bitter!”
“Very funny! You’re ONE funny gay guy, you know that?”
“There you go again! So bitter.”, he said. I ignored him and lied down on the mat. He kept on molding and sorting the sand. It was cute, really. He was such an adorable guy. So cute, I could eat him with a spoon.
“Done!”, he said. He waved his hand to me wanting me to look at it. I sat up and took a look at his ‘work of art’. Surprisingly amazing. I tried to come out with a gay joke on it but I got nothing. It was astounding, I gave him that.
“C+!”, I said.
“C+? You’re a monster.”. He did a ‘touch-up’ on it. I laughed. Then, we decided to walk along the beachside. It was one experience I could never forget. It was beautiful, with the sun setting, and the birds. It sounded cliché but it was nothing but the truth. He looked stunning under the sunset with only his boxer short.
“Can I ask you something?”. I asked him. I needed to get something off my chest.
“Yup, it hurts the first time”, he said.
“Huh?”.
I was so confused. I saw his lips moving but had no idea what he was saying.
“Oh, I thought you were going to ask about…err,,,anyway, what is it?”. His face turned red. Both cheeks.
“Well, I was just wondering..have you always known, errr you know..”. I couldn’t finish my sentence. I was hoping he would catch up.
“You mean, have I always known I was gay?”. He did catch up. I nodded. He looked up to the sky and took a long breath.
“ I knew I was gay when I was 16. I had this huge crush on my best friend. But he had a girlfriend back then. I often escorted them when they went out. My heart crushed every time I saw them kissing. But then one day, they broke up. So, I came on to him to tell him that I liked him.”
“And did you tell him? What did he say, then?”, I asked. I was so eager to know. He looked at me and grinned. We kept walking.
“I knew he was straight. And I knew he would be okay with it, but I had no idea that the confession I made changed our friendship forever.”. He looked like he was going to burst into tears but he pretended not to be.
“He moved out of town. We met minutes before he left. He gave me this beautiful silver bracelet with ‘ 4 – Eva’ written on it. It was the greatest gift I’ve ever had. I wore it every day”. He smiled again. That day I realized that he had the sweetest smile. I then took his hand and looked at his wrist.
“Where’s the bracelet? Why aren’t you wearing it anymore?”. I asked.
“When I was 19, my dad found out I was gay. He assumed that the bracelet was given by some guy I was dating. He ripped it off my wrist and threw it away.”.
I got shocked. He suddenly stopped walking. He looked away. I touched his shoulder and he looked at me.
“I know you’ll make a gay joke on me but…but…is it ok if I hug you?”. He asked. He had tears in his eyes.
“Hug me? oh, ermm,,I ..”, he hugged me before I could ever finish my sentence. He was sobbing and I tried to comfort him. He let go and took me sitting on a bench near the bench. My eyes caught a very unique stall near us.
“Erm, I’ll be back in a minute”., I said and went to the stall.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 10)
The show ended. I got off the stage and rushed to my make-up room. I needed to find Joshua as soon as possible to discuss with him about him being paid to be interview. But he wasn’t there. I looked all over the place but couldn’t find him. I took my cell phone out of my purse and tried calling him. I heard a ringing on the couch table. Obviously he forgot to bring his cell phone with him. “Damn it!”. Then I heard a knocking on the door.
“Come in!”. Joshua walked in. “Want a soda?”. I stomped to him and threw his cell phone at him.
“ I gave you this phone for a reason!”. I yelled right to his face.
“I just went out to get some Soda.”
“There’s a bunch of Sodas in the refrigerator”. I pointed to the refrigerator in the room.
“Sorry. I never knew that.”
“Sorry? Is that the only word in your vocabulary?”. I asked.
“Why are you freaking out?”, he asked. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable.
“Why am I freaking out? I’ll tell you why! Because I’m about to lose my career to some f**king prime-time host just because a f**king faggot is getting paid for telling my f**king secret I’ve been trying to hide my whole f**king life. THAT’S WHY!!”.
I definitely lost my temper. I could feel the vein on my neck and the sweats on my forehead. Joshua stared into my eyes. He seemed so astonished. He had never seen me that livid and irritated before. I walked to the mirror. I tossed every single thing off the table. He didn’t have any clue of how to handle the situation I was having. He rather walked out off the room. I noticed him walked away. So, I chased him.
“Where are you going?”
“Home”
“Wait. I’ll get my purse.”
“No. I meant, mine!”.
“What? What are you saying, Joshy?”
“You know what, I need to be alone so bad right now!”
“Oh come on. Stop being such a girl!”
“Enough with all the gay jokes! What? You’ve got any problem with me being gay? If you do, I DON’T GIVE A F**k! At least, I’m being truthful to myself. At least, I know what I want!”. I had no idea such simple sentences could actually hurt me. Hurt like I’ve never been hurt before.
“Therefore, I want to stop lying for you. I’m sick of this. This whole thing is such a fake”. He walked a few steps before he turned his head to me. “That kiss we had is the only thing that isn’t!”. He walked.
TO BE CONTINUED
“Come in!”. Joshua walked in. “Want a soda?”. I stomped to him and threw his cell phone at him.
“ I gave you this phone for a reason!”. I yelled right to his face.
“I just went out to get some Soda.”
“There’s a bunch of Sodas in the refrigerator”. I pointed to the refrigerator in the room.
“Sorry. I never knew that.”
“Sorry? Is that the only word in your vocabulary?”. I asked.
“Why are you freaking out?”, he asked. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable.
“Why am I freaking out? I’ll tell you why! Because I’m about to lose my career to some f**king prime-time host just because a f**king faggot is getting paid for telling my f**king secret I’ve been trying to hide my whole f**king life. THAT’S WHY!!”.
I definitely lost my temper. I could feel the vein on my neck and the sweats on my forehead. Joshua stared into my eyes. He seemed so astonished. He had never seen me that livid and irritated before. I walked to the mirror. I tossed every single thing off the table. He didn’t have any clue of how to handle the situation I was having. He rather walked out off the room. I noticed him walked away. So, I chased him.
“Where are you going?”
“Home”
“Wait. I’ll get my purse.”
“No. I meant, mine!”.
“What? What are you saying, Joshy?”
“You know what, I need to be alone so bad right now!”
“Oh come on. Stop being such a girl!”
“Enough with all the gay jokes! What? You’ve got any problem with me being gay? If you do, I DON’T GIVE A F**k! At least, I’m being truthful to myself. At least, I know what I want!”. I had no idea such simple sentences could actually hurt me. Hurt like I’ve never been hurt before.
“Therefore, I want to stop lying for you. I’m sick of this. This whole thing is such a fake”. He walked a few steps before he turned his head to me. “That kiss we had is the only thing that isn’t!”. He walked.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 9)
“I’m not talking to you!”. He looked away from me. He pretended like he was so into the sightseeing. He kept looking out the window of the cab, just to avoid talking to me. “Let me get this straight. You’re angry because we’re not going to Hawaii or the fact that we’re riding a cab instead of my Limo?”, I said, trying to settle things up. This time, he looked at me.
“I’m not angry! I’m just…not talking to you. End of story!”. He again, looked away. I sighed. I had to explain to him but he didn’t give me the chance to. I ran my fingers around his lap but he pushed my hand right away. I sat back and closed my eyes. That 30 minutes journey back to my house seemed like a long way to go.
Later that day, we arrived at my house. He didn’t even open the door for me like he always did. He threw his bags on the couch and lied down. I moved over to him and he got up. I pulled him back on the couch and sat next to him.
“I met Cathy at the airport.”
“I’m not listening!”
“You probably didn’t remember her.”
“I’m not interested!”
“Remember the night we went out to the club?”
“My eardrums aren’t working!”
“I kind of..errmm..hooked up with her in the backroom of the club”
“You sound better when you sing! Stop talking!”
“We made out..”
“ I think I’m going to sing a song to kill my time!”
“And he took some pictures of us kissing!”
“Whaaaaaaaattttttt?”, he was stunned to hear my very last sentence. He couldn’t keep his mouth closed. I was just looking at him waiting for him to actually say something about it.
It had been 15 minutes. I was at the kitchen counter making some juice while looking at him. He was still on the couch with his mouth and eyes opened wide. I walked towards him.
“So, are you going to say something or I’m just going to have to wait until you finish this stupid yoga meditation thingy?”, I asked him. He looked at finally. Finally he moved.
“What are you going to do? If these pictures get leaked through the internet, we’re screwed. This would totally blow our cover. Ok, this is NOT good.”, he said. His voice sounded weird. He had never been that serious.
“So, by showing the pictures to you, was she going to spread the pictures? So, are you saying she was technically threaten you?”, he asked. He was making that stupid ‘thinking face’ of his again.
“No. oh god, no! She’s not going to do that. I think…I think she’s going to print them out. She’s going to cut them and paste them on a little scrapbook. Then she’s going to show it to me and hoping for my autograph.”. I said to him, showing my love to sarcasm.
“Really? Fuh, good! I thought she was going to spread them on the internet.”. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a big fan of sarcasm.
“You know what I like about you, Joshy?
“What?”
“Nothing! Coz’ you’re stupid.
TO BE CONTINUED
“I’m not angry! I’m just…not talking to you. End of story!”. He again, looked away. I sighed. I had to explain to him but he didn’t give me the chance to. I ran my fingers around his lap but he pushed my hand right away. I sat back and closed my eyes. That 30 minutes journey back to my house seemed like a long way to go.
Later that day, we arrived at my house. He didn’t even open the door for me like he always did. He threw his bags on the couch and lied down. I moved over to him and he got up. I pulled him back on the couch and sat next to him.
“I met Cathy at the airport.”
“I’m not listening!”
“You probably didn’t remember her.”
“I’m not interested!”
“Remember the night we went out to the club?”
“My eardrums aren’t working!”
“I kind of..errmm..hooked up with her in the backroom of the club”
“You sound better when you sing! Stop talking!”
“We made out..”
“ I think I’m going to sing a song to kill my time!”
“And he took some pictures of us kissing!”
“Whaaaaaaaattttttt?”, he was stunned to hear my very last sentence. He couldn’t keep his mouth closed. I was just looking at him waiting for him to actually say something about it.
It had been 15 minutes. I was at the kitchen counter making some juice while looking at him. He was still on the couch with his mouth and eyes opened wide. I walked towards him.
“So, are you going to say something or I’m just going to have to wait until you finish this stupid yoga meditation thingy?”, I asked him. He looked at finally. Finally he moved.
“What are you going to do? If these pictures get leaked through the internet, we’re screwed. This would totally blow our cover. Ok, this is NOT good.”, he said. His voice sounded weird. He had never been that serious.
“So, by showing the pictures to you, was she going to spread the pictures? So, are you saying she was technically threaten you?”, he asked. He was making that stupid ‘thinking face’ of his again.
“No. oh god, no! She’s not going to do that. I think…I think she’s going to print them out. She’s going to cut them and paste them on a little scrapbook. Then she’s going to show it to me and hoping for my autograph.”. I said to him, showing my love to sarcasm.
“Really? Fuh, good! I thought she was going to spread them on the internet.”. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a big fan of sarcasm.
“You know what I like about you, Joshy?
“What?”
“Nothing! Coz’ you’re stupid.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 8)
“ Video Camera?”
“Checked!”
“Digital Camera?”
“Checked!”
“My new cashmere sweater?”
“Oh my god! You should just..stop! I’m your hired boyfriend, not a maid.”
As usual, we had our usual fighting but this time we were in my Limo on our way to the airport. He looked so excited. Looking at him all happy and contented, kind of made me feel good about it. It’s just that I’ve never been the person who makes people happy. I was a money maker, not a fun maker. But that very day, he made me feel different.
“ We’re here!”, he jumped out of the car with excitement. It got annoying little by little but I had decided not to let myself get annoyed for petty little things. He was so excited; he didn’t even take his bags with him. And the person who had to carry them all was….? SHUT UP!
“Hey, how much time do we have?”, he asked. I looked at my watch on his wrist. Yes! My $450 watch and he was the one who wore it.
“We’re boarding in 45 minutes. Why? You left all my cameras at home, didn’t you?”, I covered my opened mouth with my palm. “I need to pee, you scary lesbo! And what’s with all the cameras, seriously?”, he put his cell phone on my lap and ran to the restroom. I went through his bags looking for something to read. Something to kill the time while waiting for him to do his gay thing in the restroom.
“Jammy?”. I looked up and saw a really hot woman standing in front of me. She looked familiar but I just couldn’t figure out who she was. “It’s me, Cathy”, she said. Cathy? Cathy? Have I heard that name? She definitely looked so familiar to me. I felt like I met her couple of days ago. Oh my god! I did meet her couple of days before.
“Hey, Cathy!”, I said to her but I didn’t look at her. I was looking at all corners of the waiting room. I was hoping that Joshua would be back and I could escape this whole conversation. She sat down next to me and gently rubbed my hand.
“You promised to call me but you never did. What happened, sweetie?”, she whispered in my ear. I got chills all over my body. I really needed to avoid getting intimate with her or this whole boyfriend thingy wouldn’t work.
“Oh, I wanted to but, you know me! Ahaha..i had so many things to do, with all the concerts coming up.” I stammered. “ I almost forgot that you’re an air hostess. Nice!”
“Hmmm, where are you going? You sure have a lot of bags for such a little person.”, she teased and kissed my cheek. I stood up promptly. I felt really uncomfortable being seen with a woman in public. She got very shocked. She stood up.
“What’s going on? You seem like you’re trying to avoid me. What’s the matter?”
“Cathy, you’re sweet. I find you very very attractive. But I think…well…I just..i don’t think…”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“Breaking up with you? We were never together. It was one time and that was it.”
“So, you’re leaving me?”, she asked. I was so scared to nod my head but I did.
“Well, who are you seeing now?”. She walked nearer to me. “Is she hotter than me?”. I didn’t know what to say. But I needed to solve this carefully or she would make a scene. Now that would make things worse.
“Well, it’s a ‘He’ actually?”. I didn’t dare to look at her.
“What?”. She sighed. Then she made a smile. An evil one. “Fine. I hope you drop dead.”. She walked away but backed off a little after a few steps. She turned to me. She took out his cell phone and pushed some buttons. I had no idea what she was doing until she showed what was on the screen. I was stunned. She walked away.
“Oh my god!”. I sat down. “Oh my god!”. Someone tapped my shoulder. I screamed in shocked. “What’s wrong?”. I stood up.
“Get our bags. We gotta go now.”
“I thought we were leaving in 45 minutes”
“We’re going home!”, I said. His facial expression changed drastically.
“Whaaaaaaaat? Why?”, he asked.
“I’ll explain in the cab. Go get a cab”
“Oh, whyyyyyyyy!!!”.
TO BE CONTINUED
“Checked!”
“Digital Camera?”
“Checked!”
“My new cashmere sweater?”
“Oh my god! You should just..stop! I’m your hired boyfriend, not a maid.”
As usual, we had our usual fighting but this time we were in my Limo on our way to the airport. He looked so excited. Looking at him all happy and contented, kind of made me feel good about it. It’s just that I’ve never been the person who makes people happy. I was a money maker, not a fun maker. But that very day, he made me feel different.
“ We’re here!”, he jumped out of the car with excitement. It got annoying little by little but I had decided not to let myself get annoyed for petty little things. He was so excited; he didn’t even take his bags with him. And the person who had to carry them all was….? SHUT UP!
“Hey, how much time do we have?”, he asked. I looked at my watch on his wrist. Yes! My $450 watch and he was the one who wore it.
“We’re boarding in 45 minutes. Why? You left all my cameras at home, didn’t you?”, I covered my opened mouth with my palm. “I need to pee, you scary lesbo! And what’s with all the cameras, seriously?”, he put his cell phone on my lap and ran to the restroom. I went through his bags looking for something to read. Something to kill the time while waiting for him to do his gay thing in the restroom.
“Jammy?”. I looked up and saw a really hot woman standing in front of me. She looked familiar but I just couldn’t figure out who she was. “It’s me, Cathy”, she said. Cathy? Cathy? Have I heard that name? She definitely looked so familiar to me. I felt like I met her couple of days ago. Oh my god! I did meet her couple of days before.
“Hey, Cathy!”, I said to her but I didn’t look at her. I was looking at all corners of the waiting room. I was hoping that Joshua would be back and I could escape this whole conversation. She sat down next to me and gently rubbed my hand.
“You promised to call me but you never did. What happened, sweetie?”, she whispered in my ear. I got chills all over my body. I really needed to avoid getting intimate with her or this whole boyfriend thingy wouldn’t work.
“Oh, I wanted to but, you know me! Ahaha..i had so many things to do, with all the concerts coming up.” I stammered. “ I almost forgot that you’re an air hostess. Nice!”
“Hmmm, where are you going? You sure have a lot of bags for such a little person.”, she teased and kissed my cheek. I stood up promptly. I felt really uncomfortable being seen with a woman in public. She got very shocked. She stood up.
“What’s going on? You seem like you’re trying to avoid me. What’s the matter?”
“Cathy, you’re sweet. I find you very very attractive. But I think…well…I just..i don’t think…”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“Breaking up with you? We were never together. It was one time and that was it.”
“So, you’re leaving me?”, she asked. I was so scared to nod my head but I did.
“Well, who are you seeing now?”. She walked nearer to me. “Is she hotter than me?”. I didn’t know what to say. But I needed to solve this carefully or she would make a scene. Now that would make things worse.
“Well, it’s a ‘He’ actually?”. I didn’t dare to look at her.
“What?”. She sighed. Then she made a smile. An evil one. “Fine. I hope you drop dead.”. She walked away but backed off a little after a few steps. She turned to me. She took out his cell phone and pushed some buttons. I had no idea what she was doing until she showed what was on the screen. I was stunned. She walked away.
“Oh my god!”. I sat down. “Oh my god!”. Someone tapped my shoulder. I screamed in shocked. “What’s wrong?”. I stood up.
“Get our bags. We gotta go now.”
“I thought we were leaving in 45 minutes”
“We’re going home!”, I said. His facial expression changed drastically.
“Whaaaaaaaat? Why?”, he asked.
“I’ll explain in the cab. Go get a cab”
“Oh, whyyyyyyyy!!!”.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 7)
“I’m sorry”. I didn’t even pay any attention to him. I kept on munching on my breakfast. The French toast tasted better without having to listen to him. He sat down in front of me. “Hey, I’m sorry.”, again, he said it gently. I took a sip of an orange juice. I put down the glass and crossed my arms. I stared at him. He had that naïve look on his face. I had to admit he melted me a little. I continued munching. He sighed and stood up.
“So, you’re really gay, huh?”, I said to break the awkward silence. He turned his head and sat back down. He smiled at me. “What do you mean?”, he asked.
“You had sex with him, didn’t you?”
“Who? Adam? Hell no. I told you he needed a place to stay.”
“So, nothing happened?”. He nodded. I looked down but he couldn’t help but to notice the slight smile I had on my face.
“Are you actually relieved that I didn’t have sex with him? Were you jealous?”, he asked while making those stupid air-quotes.
“Me? Jealous? Wo, you are way off!”, I said. I later drank the juice till the last drop. He was just watching me having that big gulp.
“Why weren’t you?”, he kept asking.
“What?”
“I want you to be jealous.”. He stood up and walked the stairs to his room leaving me speechless and confused. I later remembered something. I chased him up the stairs and knocked on his door. He opened the door.
“We’re going to Hawaii!”. He was surprised. Pleasantly surprised. But then his forehead wrinkled. “ I thought you had some concert thingy this weekend.”, he asked. “I do. We’re going to Hawaii 2 days after that”.
“Oh my god, really? Wow, this is huge. I’ve never been to Hawaii.”, he jumped in joy. Seriously, it was a lot of gayness going on in my house. “So, I guess, I’ll see you then.”. I walked down the stairs. “Are you going somewhere?”, he asked. “ I’m having a sound check with David.”. His eyes were open wide.
“Archuletta??”
“Yup!”
“Ooh,ooh, I slept with him?”
“What???”
“Kidding!”
TO BE CONTINUED
“So, you’re really gay, huh?”, I said to break the awkward silence. He turned his head and sat back down. He smiled at me. “What do you mean?”, he asked.
“You had sex with him, didn’t you?”
“Who? Adam? Hell no. I told you he needed a place to stay.”
“So, nothing happened?”. He nodded. I looked down but he couldn’t help but to notice the slight smile I had on my face.
“Are you actually relieved that I didn’t have sex with him? Were you jealous?”, he asked while making those stupid air-quotes.
“Me? Jealous? Wo, you are way off!”, I said. I later drank the juice till the last drop. He was just watching me having that big gulp.
“Why weren’t you?”, he kept asking.
“What?”
“I want you to be jealous.”. He stood up and walked the stairs to his room leaving me speechless and confused. I later remembered something. I chased him up the stairs and knocked on his door. He opened the door.
“We’re going to Hawaii!”. He was surprised. Pleasantly surprised. But then his forehead wrinkled. “ I thought you had some concert thingy this weekend.”, he asked. “I do. We’re going to Hawaii 2 days after that”.
“Oh my god, really? Wow, this is huge. I’ve never been to Hawaii.”, he jumped in joy. Seriously, it was a lot of gayness going on in my house. “So, I guess, I’ll see you then.”. I walked down the stairs. “Are you going somewhere?”, he asked. “ I’m having a sound check with David.”. His eyes were open wide.
“Archuletta??”
“Yup!”
“Ooh,ooh, I slept with him?”
“What???”
“Kidding!”
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 6)
It was morning. At least I thought it was. I tried to wake up but I fell right back on the bed. My head felt heavier than ever. I wasn’t able to open my eyes. Every inch of my body was all sore. But like it or not, I had to get up. Still, I couldn’t open my eyes with the severe headache I was having. I failed to get up. Instead, I fell on the other side of my bed. I could almost swear I landed on someone’s chest because I could feel my body moving up and down with the person’s breathing. It freaked the hell out of me. I opened my eyes.
“Oh my god!!”. I screamed and scared the hell out of him. He jumped out of the bedspread, screaming as well. And the worst I could ever imagine, happened. In front of my very eyes. HE WAS NAKED! He wasn’t topless. He wasn’t wearing any boxer. I said HE WAS NAKED! As in look-at-me-with-the-thing kind of naked. I screamed, again. So did him. Even louder than I did.
“What the f**k are you doing in my room?”, I said to him. He was still screaming. I threw a pillow right to his head. He calmed. But his chest was visibly going up and down.
“Ouch!”. He gently rubbed his head. Gay! Gay!
“Get the hell out of my f**king room, you a**hole!”, I yelled.
“Your room? This is MY room!”. He yelled back. I looked around. He was right. It was one of the rooms in my house but not the one I usually slept in. It was his room. Well, technically. I gave him that room. But what was I doing in his room? He was naked. And I was… Wait! I laid my hand on my chest that was covered by the blanket. I heaved a sigh. I was relieved I still got my clothes on. I looked at him.
“Joshua! What the hell is going on? Why am I in your room and why are you…oh my god! Would you put something on? Are you trying to put me in therapy?”. I put my hand over my head. My head felt like it was going to explode. My head got heavier from all the screaming. Joshua put on his pink boxer. OK. Don’t even get me started on that boxer.
“We were in that club you brought me. And, boy, I had no idea you were such a drinker.”. Hearing his explanation had me having flashbacks from last night.
“You mean I passed out?”, I asked. He nodded. He walked to a corner in that room and picked up a black leather jacket. He threw it to me.
“And you threw up.”. The jacket’s stripes almost ruined. “I puked on your jacket?”. I asked, putting a poker face. He laughed but not the kind of laugh you make when you think it tickles . More like a haha-you-are-dead kind of laugh.
“I wish. You puked IN my jacket. In its pockets. BOTH SIDES!”. His mouth was still open and his face turned really red.
“Will you stop being such a drag-drama queen? I’ll get you a better one. I mean real leather. Not some fake leather you bought in some black market or something.”. I threw that stupid jacket back to him. He grabbed the jacket. “It’s real leather!”. He said. “How much did you buy it?”, I asked with poise. “$70”. I laughed.
“Oh it’s FAKE!”. I tucked out of the bed and walked out. I needed a shower. I walked into my room and went into the bathroom. I opened the door.
“Arghhhhhhh!!”. I screamed my lungs out. Joshua dashed into the bathroom and saw me looking into the bathtub. He was, too, shocked. “Oh man!” , he said while scratching his head. He didn’t have the guts to even look at me.
“What..What..is this dude doing in my bathtub of my bathroom in my f**cking HOUSE???”, I asked. I helped myself from screaming to avoid from having that explosive headache again.
“I met him in the club last night. We got to talking and he said he needed a place to sleep for one night. So, I brought him with us.”, he explained. I took a really deep and long breath. I walked slowly to him until my chest touched his. His face never looked that scared. I felt sorry for him but my anger took it way. I walked out of the bathroom while pulling his hand.
“You brought a stranger in my house? What were you thinking? I have a lot going on in my life and killing a stranger….aint one of them!”, I said while trying to keep my voice down. Joshua was just standing in front of me, looking at his feet. He didn’t say a word.
“I want you to get that stranger out of my house. He might steal stuff, you know?”, I warned. Joshua looked up and tried to say something but…
“That ‘stranger’ has a name!”. A low-pitched husky voice was heard from the bathroom. Joshua and I looked. There was that guy in the bathtub standing there. “It’s Adam!”, he said. I was surprised. The guy looked so much taller than I expected. If I wasn’t mistaken, he was 6”4 tall and had this boyish ‘emo” black hairdo. It was so surprising to know a straight-looking guy could be so GAY!
“Hey, don’t worry. I’m going, anyway.”, he said. For a guy who crashed into someone’s house and slept in the bathroom, he was rather polite. He went near Joshua and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked like he was going to…
“Are you kidding me? Will you cut that gay porn crap out and get the hell out of my house?”, again, I screamed. Adam stopped from ‘almost’ kissing Joshua. Joshua could only stare at me. He walked to me.
“You’re more friendly on TV!”. He smirked and left the room. “Oh yeah? I get that a lot!”, I screamed from inside of the room. I looked at Joshua. He was still staring at me.
“Well, what do you know, another fan!”. I walked passed him and went into the bathroom. He knocked on the door.
“What now?”. I didn’t open the door. I was not in the mood to entertain anyone. I really needed the shower.
“I hate you”, he yelled from the outside of the door. I didn’t give care. At all. Not even a little bit.
“HATE YOU MORE!”. Those were the exact words I said to him. Words that turned out to mean the exact complete opposite a year later. Joshua is my life. The real fact that I figured only minutes after he left.
TO BE CONTINUED
“Oh my god!!”. I screamed and scared the hell out of him. He jumped out of the bedspread, screaming as well. And the worst I could ever imagine, happened. In front of my very eyes. HE WAS NAKED! He wasn’t topless. He wasn’t wearing any boxer. I said HE WAS NAKED! As in look-at-me-with-the-thing kind of naked. I screamed, again. So did him. Even louder than I did.
“What the f**k are you doing in my room?”, I said to him. He was still screaming. I threw a pillow right to his head. He calmed. But his chest was visibly going up and down.
“Ouch!”. He gently rubbed his head. Gay! Gay!
“Get the hell out of my f**king room, you a**hole!”, I yelled.
“Your room? This is MY room!”. He yelled back. I looked around. He was right. It was one of the rooms in my house but not the one I usually slept in. It was his room. Well, technically. I gave him that room. But what was I doing in his room? He was naked. And I was… Wait! I laid my hand on my chest that was covered by the blanket. I heaved a sigh. I was relieved I still got my clothes on. I looked at him.
“Joshua! What the hell is going on? Why am I in your room and why are you…oh my god! Would you put something on? Are you trying to put me in therapy?”. I put my hand over my head. My head felt like it was going to explode. My head got heavier from all the screaming. Joshua put on his pink boxer. OK. Don’t even get me started on that boxer.
“We were in that club you brought me. And, boy, I had no idea you were such a drinker.”. Hearing his explanation had me having flashbacks from last night.
“You mean I passed out?”, I asked. He nodded. He walked to a corner in that room and picked up a black leather jacket. He threw it to me.
“And you threw up.”. The jacket’s stripes almost ruined. “I puked on your jacket?”. I asked, putting a poker face. He laughed but not the kind of laugh you make when you think it tickles . More like a haha-you-are-dead kind of laugh.
“I wish. You puked IN my jacket. In its pockets. BOTH SIDES!”. His mouth was still open and his face turned really red.
“Will you stop being such a drag-drama queen? I’ll get you a better one. I mean real leather. Not some fake leather you bought in some black market or something.”. I threw that stupid jacket back to him. He grabbed the jacket. “It’s real leather!”. He said. “How much did you buy it?”, I asked with poise. “$70”. I laughed.
“Oh it’s FAKE!”. I tucked out of the bed and walked out. I needed a shower. I walked into my room and went into the bathroom. I opened the door.
“Arghhhhhhh!!”. I screamed my lungs out. Joshua dashed into the bathroom and saw me looking into the bathtub. He was, too, shocked. “Oh man!” , he said while scratching his head. He didn’t have the guts to even look at me.
“What..What..is this dude doing in my bathtub of my bathroom in my f**cking HOUSE???”, I asked. I helped myself from screaming to avoid from having that explosive headache again.
“I met him in the club last night. We got to talking and he said he needed a place to sleep for one night. So, I brought him with us.”, he explained. I took a really deep and long breath. I walked slowly to him until my chest touched his. His face never looked that scared. I felt sorry for him but my anger took it way. I walked out of the bathroom while pulling his hand.
“You brought a stranger in my house? What were you thinking? I have a lot going on in my life and killing a stranger….aint one of them!”, I said while trying to keep my voice down. Joshua was just standing in front of me, looking at his feet. He didn’t say a word.
“I want you to get that stranger out of my house. He might steal stuff, you know?”, I warned. Joshua looked up and tried to say something but…
“That ‘stranger’ has a name!”. A low-pitched husky voice was heard from the bathroom. Joshua and I looked. There was that guy in the bathtub standing there. “It’s Adam!”, he said. I was surprised. The guy looked so much taller than I expected. If I wasn’t mistaken, he was 6”4 tall and had this boyish ‘emo” black hairdo. It was so surprising to know a straight-looking guy could be so GAY!
“Hey, don’t worry. I’m going, anyway.”, he said. For a guy who crashed into someone’s house and slept in the bathroom, he was rather polite. He went near Joshua and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked like he was going to…
“Are you kidding me? Will you cut that gay porn crap out and get the hell out of my house?”, again, I screamed. Adam stopped from ‘almost’ kissing Joshua. Joshua could only stare at me. He walked to me.
“You’re more friendly on TV!”. He smirked and left the room. “Oh yeah? I get that a lot!”, I screamed from inside of the room. I looked at Joshua. He was still staring at me.
“Well, what do you know, another fan!”. I walked passed him and went into the bathroom. He knocked on the door.
“What now?”. I didn’t open the door. I was not in the mood to entertain anyone. I really needed the shower.
“I hate you”, he yelled from the outside of the door. I didn’t give care. At all. Not even a little bit.
“HATE YOU MORE!”. Those were the exact words I said to him. Words that turned out to mean the exact complete opposite a year later. Joshua is my life. The real fact that I figured only minutes after he left.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 5)
I was going crazy. I was supposed to go out for dinner with Joshua but he was out getting some of his stuff left back in house. But that was like 3 hours ago. He better not be making out with some guy he met in the street.
* * *
Joshua’s steps stopped as soon as he saw the door was open. He slowed his steps as he walked towards the door. The anxiety suddenly rose around his neck. He was in no doubt that someone definitely broke into the house but there was nothing there for him to defense himself. But like it or not, he ought to come in or things were going to get ugly.
“Hello!”, he said alarmingly. No respond. He moved a step forward into the house. “Anybody?”. He took a deep breath and closed the door. He recoiled in shock when he saw the living room. It looked like some twister hollow or at least a crime scene. Evidently someone had gone through his stuff but he was positive nothing was stolen and nothing big broke.
“Gosh. Somebody has a hell of a mess to clean. Damn, it’s me!”. He sat on the couch, didn’t know where to begin.
“Well, well, well.”. He heard a man’s voice. It sounded so familiar. He turned his head. A figure was seen standing in the very corner of the room. The guy walked to him and almost took his breath away. But not in a good way.
“Drake?”, he startled. Drake gave an evil grin to him. Joshua got scared to the very bone. Drake got even closer to Joshua to the point where his nose was an inch away from Drake’s. “What are you doing in my house? You left something?”, asked Joshua with a little stumble. Drake made that grin again and took out a cigar out of his pocket. Joshua offered the light. Drake took a puff and sat on the couch with his legs crossed.
“So, what is this thing I heard about you and that closeted singer?”, asked Drake, left Joshua, who was still standing, speechless. He wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about the whole thing.
“Well, she’s a friend. Where did you hear it from, anyway?”, he asked. Drake threw a newspaper to him. Joshua grabbed it and what was on the front page really caught his attention. “The Morning Bonding – Jammy poses with his new boo”.
“What the hell is this?”, asked Drake. He snatched the newspaper and dropped it on the floor. Joshua was still in no words. Drake went near Joshua and held his hand.
“Joshy, I thought we had something. So, now you’re telling me that you’re straight? Don’t you ever think about me?”. Drake sounded so livid and upset. Joshua did think about him. In fact, Drake was the only thing on his mind in the past few days. And he had thought this whole relationship through. He had made his decision. He took a deep breath and looked straight in Drake’s eyes.
“Baby, I think we should stop seeing each other. I’ve moved on and I think you should too.”. Joshua’s words really made Drake taken aback. But he wasn’t the only one in the room who felt so. That really kind of took Joshua by surprise. He couldn’t believe he has just said it.
“So, those things on the news are all true? You’ve always been straight all this time?”, asked Drake in tears. Joshua could only nod his head. “So who am I to you?”, said Drake. Drake was feeling nothing but betrayed. Joshua couldn’t lift his head to even look at Drake. “I think you should go.”. Drake looked aside trying to pretend he didn’t hear what Joshua had just said. But he couldn’t wait any longer knowing that he was no longer desired. He walked away from Joshua but stopped by the door. His chest was going up and down.
“I’m glad I messed your house. That’s the only thing I could do apart from killing you. I hope you’re happy!”, Drake slammed the door hard. Joshua fell down on the floor. He couldn’t even blink.
* * *
“What? You had a boyfriend? Why didn’t I know about this? Oops, sorry! Not the point. Hmmm…So, are you okay?”. He looked down. He didn’t say anything. Not even a sound he made. To tell the truth, I really didn’t give a damn. I didn’t give a damn about him getting dumped. I really didn’t. Because I was freaking starving, I could eat a horse, or even a gay guy crying over his stupid ex-boyfriend. But I was a good faker; even I’d believe my own faking.
“You know what, if you don’t feel like going out tonight, that’s fine. You should get some sleep.”. I said, trying (I rather say “pretending to”) comfort him. Oh my god. I only had a small sandwich for lunch. I could swear my stomach sounded like it farted. Out of the blue, Joshua turned his head to me and made some kind of facial expression I thought was supposed to be a “Sarcastic” look.
“Get some sleep? Are you freaking kidding me? I just got dumped. I’m bloody single. Let’s go out and hang out in some club. I need a break!”, he said while jumping on the couch. Yes. He jumped. Literally. He jumped on my $1200 leather couch. Wasn’t he delightfulllllllllll????????
TO BE CONTINUED
* * *
Joshua’s steps stopped as soon as he saw the door was open. He slowed his steps as he walked towards the door. The anxiety suddenly rose around his neck. He was in no doubt that someone definitely broke into the house but there was nothing there for him to defense himself. But like it or not, he ought to come in or things were going to get ugly.
“Hello!”, he said alarmingly. No respond. He moved a step forward into the house. “Anybody?”. He took a deep breath and closed the door. He recoiled in shock when he saw the living room. It looked like some twister hollow or at least a crime scene. Evidently someone had gone through his stuff but he was positive nothing was stolen and nothing big broke.
“Gosh. Somebody has a hell of a mess to clean. Damn, it’s me!”. He sat on the couch, didn’t know where to begin.
“Well, well, well.”. He heard a man’s voice. It sounded so familiar. He turned his head. A figure was seen standing in the very corner of the room. The guy walked to him and almost took his breath away. But not in a good way.
“Drake?”, he startled. Drake gave an evil grin to him. Joshua got scared to the very bone. Drake got even closer to Joshua to the point where his nose was an inch away from Drake’s. “What are you doing in my house? You left something?”, asked Joshua with a little stumble. Drake made that grin again and took out a cigar out of his pocket. Joshua offered the light. Drake took a puff and sat on the couch with his legs crossed.
“So, what is this thing I heard about you and that closeted singer?”, asked Drake, left Joshua, who was still standing, speechless. He wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about the whole thing.
“Well, she’s a friend. Where did you hear it from, anyway?”, he asked. Drake threw a newspaper to him. Joshua grabbed it and what was on the front page really caught his attention. “The Morning Bonding – Jammy poses with his new boo”.
“What the hell is this?”, asked Drake. He snatched the newspaper and dropped it on the floor. Joshua was still in no words. Drake went near Joshua and held his hand.
“Joshy, I thought we had something. So, now you’re telling me that you’re straight? Don’t you ever think about me?”. Drake sounded so livid and upset. Joshua did think about him. In fact, Drake was the only thing on his mind in the past few days. And he had thought this whole relationship through. He had made his decision. He took a deep breath and looked straight in Drake’s eyes.
“Baby, I think we should stop seeing each other. I’ve moved on and I think you should too.”. Joshua’s words really made Drake taken aback. But he wasn’t the only one in the room who felt so. That really kind of took Joshua by surprise. He couldn’t believe he has just said it.
“So, those things on the news are all true? You’ve always been straight all this time?”, asked Drake in tears. Joshua could only nod his head. “So who am I to you?”, said Drake. Drake was feeling nothing but betrayed. Joshua couldn’t lift his head to even look at Drake. “I think you should go.”. Drake looked aside trying to pretend he didn’t hear what Joshua had just said. But he couldn’t wait any longer knowing that he was no longer desired. He walked away from Joshua but stopped by the door. His chest was going up and down.
“I’m glad I messed your house. That’s the only thing I could do apart from killing you. I hope you’re happy!”, Drake slammed the door hard. Joshua fell down on the floor. He couldn’t even blink.
* * *
“What? You had a boyfriend? Why didn’t I know about this? Oops, sorry! Not the point. Hmmm…So, are you okay?”. He looked down. He didn’t say anything. Not even a sound he made. To tell the truth, I really didn’t give a damn. I didn’t give a damn about him getting dumped. I really didn’t. Because I was freaking starving, I could eat a horse, or even a gay guy crying over his stupid ex-boyfriend. But I was a good faker; even I’d believe my own faking.
“You know what, if you don’t feel like going out tonight, that’s fine. You should get some sleep.”. I said, trying (I rather say “pretending to”) comfort him. Oh my god. I only had a small sandwich for lunch. I could swear my stomach sounded like it farted. Out of the blue, Joshua turned his head to me and made some kind of facial expression I thought was supposed to be a “Sarcastic” look.
“Get some sleep? Are you freaking kidding me? I just got dumped. I’m bloody single. Let’s go out and hang out in some club. I need a break!”, he said while jumping on the couch. Yes. He jumped. Literally. He jumped on my $1200 leather couch. Wasn’t he delightfulllllllllll????????
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 4)
“ Oh my god! It’s 8 in the freaking morning. What the hell is that noise?”. It was Saturday and I heard Joshua’s voice from his bedroom. Apparently the noise that came from outside of the house woke him up. I heard the door squeaked. He came out of his room scratching his eyes. He saw me standing at the balcony.
“Good morning!”. He gave me a stare. “Good morning? What the hell is that noise?”, he asked. It really sounded sexy with his husky “morning” voice. But what did I know? I was supposed to be gay. I think. I pointed my finger to the front gate. He looked surprised with his eyebrows raised.
“Holy crap! Who are those people? What are they doing in front of our house?”, he asked. “Our house?”, I sneered. He rolled his eyes. “Well, welcome to showbiz baby!”, I shouted from the balcony. That really took the attention of those paparazzi in front of the house. Out of nowhere, flashes were everywhere. I smirked. Mission accomplished!
“Errr, are they actually taking our pictures?”, he asked. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the paparazzi. I looked at him hoping he’d catch up. But he looked so puzzled.
“Err, no. They’re not taking our pictures. They’re just admiring my garden. They really like what I did with the house.”. He looked even more confused. “Really?”, he asked, starting to believe it.
“No, you dumbass! They’re taking our pictures!”. I almost yelled. He opened his mouth wide, wide enough to swallow his own fist. “Come on. Hug me from the back”. I rushed him. “What?”. There was a sudden unease and panic on his face. I took both his hands and put them around my waist. He did as I told him without a word. Still, he couldn’t put away the nervous look on his face. “Now smile and act like you’re whispering crazy romantic things to my ears.”, I said, forcing him. “Huh?”. He stuttered.
“Do it”. I said, while putting a stupid smile on my face. He did. He hugged me and said the craziest thing that I would never forget until today. “Your feet are surprisingly huge for such a small girl”. I turned my head to him. “Whaaaaaatttt?”. He was still hugging me.Surprisingly tight.
“Now smile like you’ve never smiled before.”. He then smiled, doing the best he could. Not knowing how to handle all the awkwardness in the air, he gently pulled me from the balcony into the living room, trying to act like he was being coy and all cute.
“Fuhh..What the hell was that?”, he said while pushing himself to the couch.
“That? That was what you’re gonna be doing for the next few months.”
“Months?”
“Go take a shower. You stink”
TO BE CONTINUED
“Good morning!”. He gave me a stare. “Good morning? What the hell is that noise?”, he asked. It really sounded sexy with his husky “morning” voice. But what did I know? I was supposed to be gay. I think. I pointed my finger to the front gate. He looked surprised with his eyebrows raised.
“Holy crap! Who are those people? What are they doing in front of our house?”, he asked. “Our house?”, I sneered. He rolled his eyes. “Well, welcome to showbiz baby!”, I shouted from the balcony. That really took the attention of those paparazzi in front of the house. Out of nowhere, flashes were everywhere. I smirked. Mission accomplished!
“Errr, are they actually taking our pictures?”, he asked. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the paparazzi. I looked at him hoping he’d catch up. But he looked so puzzled.
“Err, no. They’re not taking our pictures. They’re just admiring my garden. They really like what I did with the house.”. He looked even more confused. “Really?”, he asked, starting to believe it.
“No, you dumbass! They’re taking our pictures!”. I almost yelled. He opened his mouth wide, wide enough to swallow his own fist. “Come on. Hug me from the back”. I rushed him. “What?”. There was a sudden unease and panic on his face. I took both his hands and put them around my waist. He did as I told him without a word. Still, he couldn’t put away the nervous look on his face. “Now smile and act like you’re whispering crazy romantic things to my ears.”, I said, forcing him. “Huh?”. He stuttered.
“Do it”. I said, while putting a stupid smile on my face. He did. He hugged me and said the craziest thing that I would never forget until today. “Your feet are surprisingly huge for such a small girl”. I turned my head to him. “Whaaaaaatttt?”. He was still hugging me.Surprisingly tight.
“Now smile like you’ve never smiled before.”. He then smiled, doing the best he could. Not knowing how to handle all the awkwardness in the air, he gently pulled me from the balcony into the living room, trying to act like he was being coy and all cute.
“Fuhh..What the hell was that?”, he said while pushing himself to the couch.
“That? That was what you’re gonna be doing for the next few months.”
“Months?”
“Go take a shower. You stink”
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 3)
I still remember his first day as my “boyfriend”. I took him shopping for a whole new wardrobe. I just thought being seen with a guy with a stretched pink tank top and a pair of orange skinny jeans wasn’t such a great idea. I mean, I knew he was gay, but was he blind? I thought gay guys were supposed to have excellent sense of style. The transformation caused me a fortune. From shoes, to suits and tuxedo, I spent my one month paycheck. He better be worth it!
The outfit? Checked! Next up, I needed to teach him a new walk since he walked with too much glory and splendor, and I didn’t mean it in a good way. I chose to say teaching him to walk like a real man really got on my nerves. He walked with his ass, if you know what I mean. I really thought I was more masculine than he was.
During the so-called quality time we spent, there were some awkward moments. I remember the first time we held hands. My hand would always in the lead. He really felt awkward holding my hand but always found a way to pretend not to be. Finally we were done with the “training”. We went back to his house to get his stuff since he would be living with me. We got tired of packing his stupid gay stuff in his stupid gay house which we decided to have dinner there instead of going out. He cooked that night and man, was he a good cook! I certainly picked myself the right gay guy to be my boyfriend. (That was a strange sentence!)
“Hey, remember the time when I hit you?”, i said , trying to start a conversation on the table. He looked at me and laughed. “How could I forget? The night I almost lost my leg. What about it?”. I faked a laugh and say, “You haven’t told why exactly you didn’t want to go to the hospital that night.”, I asked. He accidentally dropped his fork on the plate. He was just looking at the plate saying nothing. “Joshy?”. Still, he didn’t move and was just staring at the plate.
“Fine.”, I said, trying to disregard him. “It doesn’t concern me. I understand. Anyway, I’ve prepared a room back in my house for you. You’ll have your own bathroom, your own TV, stereo, your own...” “I was raped!”, he said suddenly leaving me speechless. I didn’t continue my sentence. I looked at him. His face was still facing the plate on the table. I wanted to ask him more but couldn’t get a word out of my mouth. He then looked at me. I looked at him back trying to convince him that I was okay with it. But the environment on the table; awkward! He took a really deep breath ready to spill it out.
“I just got out from the club. I was so drunk and high. I couldn’t even remember what I took. So, I walking home and there was this guy came on to me and asked for light. And..I..”, he stopped. He covered his mouth with the back of his hand. Kind of gay to me but I was really into his story. He looked down. Then he looked back at me. I saw the tears in his eyes.
“ I’m not sure if I could tell you the whole story.”. He stood up and walked to the living room. I followed him and sat next to him on the couch. I leaned his head on my shoulder pretending to console and comfort him. I couldn’t care less about what he was feeling. I was just so curious to know more about the incident. “It’s okay”, I said. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to. I’m sure it’s been an emotional time for you.”.
He sat up straight and looked at me. “Then he hit my leg and..he..and he…I’m sure you’d know what happened next.”. I nodded and hugged him. I unexpectedly felt the sudden sadness in my heart. I was totally feeling him. But I had to admit it really gave me a fright. I mean, come on. Man rape? How on earth could that ever happen? Couldn’t he stand up for himself? I know he’s gay but he still is a man.
“I didn’t think I could go to the hospital with my OD. I didn’t want to go to jail.”, he later explained. Obviously he was afraid of tested positive.
“But what I don’t get is how could that happen? I mean, you’re a guy. Shouldn’t you be fighting back?”. I asked. “I was drunk. Were you even listening?”, he yelled and walked to the kitchen. I followed him and hugged him from his back. He held my arm. “ Sorry. I don’t want to scare you with my story.”. I smiled and got back to packing his stuff. We were bonding well when he started telling the story of his life. I was glad that we met. Getting to know him made me realize how lucky I was. It’s a crazy world out there and here I am complaining about what the Medias think of me.
TO BE CONTINUED
The outfit? Checked! Next up, I needed to teach him a new walk since he walked with too much glory and splendor, and I didn’t mean it in a good way. I chose to say teaching him to walk like a real man really got on my nerves. He walked with his ass, if you know what I mean. I really thought I was more masculine than he was.
During the so-called quality time we spent, there were some awkward moments. I remember the first time we held hands. My hand would always in the lead. He really felt awkward holding my hand but always found a way to pretend not to be. Finally we were done with the “training”. We went back to his house to get his stuff since he would be living with me. We got tired of packing his stupid gay stuff in his stupid gay house which we decided to have dinner there instead of going out. He cooked that night and man, was he a good cook! I certainly picked myself the right gay guy to be my boyfriend. (That was a strange sentence!)
“Hey, remember the time when I hit you?”, i said , trying to start a conversation on the table. He looked at me and laughed. “How could I forget? The night I almost lost my leg. What about it?”. I faked a laugh and say, “You haven’t told why exactly you didn’t want to go to the hospital that night.”, I asked. He accidentally dropped his fork on the plate. He was just looking at the plate saying nothing. “Joshy?”. Still, he didn’t move and was just staring at the plate.
“Fine.”, I said, trying to disregard him. “It doesn’t concern me. I understand. Anyway, I’ve prepared a room back in my house for you. You’ll have your own bathroom, your own TV, stereo, your own...” “I was raped!”, he said suddenly leaving me speechless. I didn’t continue my sentence. I looked at him. His face was still facing the plate on the table. I wanted to ask him more but couldn’t get a word out of my mouth. He then looked at me. I looked at him back trying to convince him that I was okay with it. But the environment on the table; awkward! He took a really deep breath ready to spill it out.
“I just got out from the club. I was so drunk and high. I couldn’t even remember what I took. So, I walking home and there was this guy came on to me and asked for light. And..I..”, he stopped. He covered his mouth with the back of his hand. Kind of gay to me but I was really into his story. He looked down. Then he looked back at me. I saw the tears in his eyes.
“ I’m not sure if I could tell you the whole story.”. He stood up and walked to the living room. I followed him and sat next to him on the couch. I leaned his head on my shoulder pretending to console and comfort him. I couldn’t care less about what he was feeling. I was just so curious to know more about the incident. “It’s okay”, I said. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to. I’m sure it’s been an emotional time for you.”.
He sat up straight and looked at me. “Then he hit my leg and..he..and he…I’m sure you’d know what happened next.”. I nodded and hugged him. I unexpectedly felt the sudden sadness in my heart. I was totally feeling him. But I had to admit it really gave me a fright. I mean, come on. Man rape? How on earth could that ever happen? Couldn’t he stand up for himself? I know he’s gay but he still is a man.
“I didn’t think I could go to the hospital with my OD. I didn’t want to go to jail.”, he later explained. Obviously he was afraid of tested positive.
“But what I don’t get is how could that happen? I mean, you’re a guy. Shouldn’t you be fighting back?”. I asked. “I was drunk. Were you even listening?”, he yelled and walked to the kitchen. I followed him and hugged him from his back. He held my arm. “ Sorry. I don’t want to scare you with my story.”. I smiled and got back to packing his stuff. We were bonding well when he started telling the story of his life. I was glad that we met. Getting to know him made me realize how lucky I was. It’s a crazy world out there and here I am complaining about what the Medias think of me.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 2)
“ What the hell were you thinking, man? Speeding in the middle of the night. You could’ve killed me.”
“Me? Dude, you jumped off in front of my car, out of nowhere. I was driving freakin’ 60m/h. It wasn’t my fault.”
“60m/h? Are you serious? Won’t you rather walk dude?”
“Ok. First of all, I’m not a dude. Second of all, never insult my driving or you’ll be walking funny.”. I then grabbed his arm and he started moaning in pain. I quickly grabbed his waist and carried him to the car.
“Where are you taking me?”, he asked after realizing I was trying to squeeze him in. I ignored him, closed his side of the door and get into the car myself. I drove on and was surprised he didn’t keep asking where I was taking him. I then took a look and noticed that he felt asleep. After a few minutes, I heard him moving.
“Wait. Who are you? Where are you taking me?”, he asked anxiously. I kept driving even though he tried to pull my hand off the steering. He looked at me and said nothing. He looked scared.
“I’m taking you to the hospital. Your knee. It’s bleeding. I don’t want you to be suing me the next morning. Now, shut the hell up and buckle up.” , I said without even looking. He then put his seatbelt on and sat up straight. I could actually hear him breathing. He was weirdly silent and well-behaved.
“You okay, dude?”, I asked. He looked at me and looked away. “I had the craziest night. If I told you, would you let me go and forget about this whole thing? I don’t want to go to the hospital.”. I put on the brake and pulled over the car to the side of the road. I unfastened my seatbelt and turned to him.
“Dude, I’ll be glad to kick you out of the car. But I’ve got like 3 legal actions taken on me just this month. And I’m not gonna let some hitchhiker I hit to ruin my career when he files a lawsuit against me just because he doesn’t want to go to some freakin’ hospital.”. I was so pissed; I could actually see the vein on my forehead popped out. He looked at me and crinkled his forehead.
“You’re Jammy ! Jammy Suzanne? Are you really that singer, Jammy?”. He asked with a shock look on his face. I rolled my eyes. “It’s really you, isn’t it?. Oh my god. I cant believe Jammy Suzanne ran me over.”. I looked at him with my eyebrows raised. “I didn’t run you over. I just hit you and hurt your knee. Don’t exaggerate.”. He then put a smile on his face which kind of made me worried.
“What?”
“Nothing. I’ve just, never been in a car with a superstar before.”
“Well, next time, just jump off in front of other car you’d find on the road. You might be under Miley Cyrus’s car in the future, who knows!”
“ Wow, you’re more delightful on TV.”
“Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you something, Sweety! It’s showbiz. Even our breasts aren’t real”. I couldn’t believe I just said that but I did. My mother always says that I’m the only daughter who has the senses. But after 11pm and just hit a guy, most of my senses were all gone.
“Whatever. I think I’m gonna go.”. He opened the door but then almost fell. I later remember that he hurt his knee. He closed the door and tried to walk but he stopped after a few steps. I was being such an ass but I was still human. I got out off the car and walked toward him.
“Well, at least let me give you a ride. That’s the least I can do.”
“Would you promise not to yell at me again?”. I nodded. He got into the car and I drove away. His house was only 2 blocks away. Not more than 3 minutes, he said, “Oh, This is me!”. I stopped the car. He smiled at me and opened the door. Then he looked at me.
“Hey, Thank you. I know you try so hard to be a bad ass, but deep down inside I know you’re such a sweet girl. Take care.”. Then he walked away. Watching him walking to his door suddenly gave me the craziest idea. I got out of the car and chased him.
“Hey, you want to be my boyfriend?”. I asked nervously, really scared to know the answer.
“hmmm, that’s so sweet and you’re sweet but I’m gay.”
“Ahahaha,,Now that makes this even easier. What if I say I’m gonna pay your rent and anything you need? Just be my boyfriend for, hmmm I don’t know, 3 months?”
“Ok. You’re crazy! oh, wait! I know what this is about. This must be about the allegations right? You know, about you being gay?”, he asked. I smiled at him but I didn’t say a thing.
“I knew it. So, are you really gay? Come on, you can tell me.”, he said.
“Oh right, I avoid this question from the media and you expect me to tell you! No way. So, are we doing this?”, I asked eagerly. I really wanted this to happen. He looked like he was thinking and he had this evil look on his face.
“Would you get me a car, as well?”, he demanded. “Deal!”, I said. “ So, I guess we’re doing this. Now get some sleep and I’ll pick you up first thing in the morning.”. I was so excited knowing that I could finally put those stupid allegations to an end.
“Wait. What if they find out?”. I turned my head and hold his hand. “Don’t worry! I’ll take care of everything. I promise!”.
I promised to him to make sure that everything would be taken care of. That was the promise. But that was a year ago. I didn’t know what to do. Joshua was about to get paid $700,000 to appear on TV to admit that I was paying him to be my boyfriend. And to make things worse, there were some controversial photos of me kissing a woman all over the internet and Joshua would be the one to be asked about the photos. I have to admit those pictures were really mine.
“I’m doomed! You know what, listen to me. Don’t accept any invitation or money until I get back. I need to be on stage in 2 minutes. I’ll see you then, ok?”. I put on my ear piece and I was ready to go. But just as I was walking out the door, he pulled my arm. I turned my head and he came near me. His hand reached my forehead and he ran his hand down my face. Our lips touched.
“Good luck, ok? I’ll always be with you no matter what.”. I could only smile. I was stunned. That was the first kiss we ever had since I first met him. It’s not like I’ve never thought of kissing him. I have. Most of the times, really. It’s just that I never thought he would be interested.
I was already on stage. But all I could think was the kiss we just had. My heart was pounding so hard. I was confused. I never thought I would ever fall for a guy. And a guy like Joshua was the last guy I ever wanted to fall for. He’d never like a woman. But if he liked guys, what on earth that made him want to kiss me? Did he like me? I wasn’t even sure that I like him. Is he straight? Am I straight now? Or have I always been straight all this time? There was no way I could ever answer that now. But I definitely felt something.
Oh great! I’ve never been in love and my first love ever was a gay guy! Ain’t life G.O.O.D??
TO BE CONTINUED
“Me? Dude, you jumped off in front of my car, out of nowhere. I was driving freakin’ 60m/h. It wasn’t my fault.”
“60m/h? Are you serious? Won’t you rather walk dude?”
“Ok. First of all, I’m not a dude. Second of all, never insult my driving or you’ll be walking funny.”. I then grabbed his arm and he started moaning in pain. I quickly grabbed his waist and carried him to the car.
“Where are you taking me?”, he asked after realizing I was trying to squeeze him in. I ignored him, closed his side of the door and get into the car myself. I drove on and was surprised he didn’t keep asking where I was taking him. I then took a look and noticed that he felt asleep. After a few minutes, I heard him moving.
“Wait. Who are you? Where are you taking me?”, he asked anxiously. I kept driving even though he tried to pull my hand off the steering. He looked at me and said nothing. He looked scared.
“I’m taking you to the hospital. Your knee. It’s bleeding. I don’t want you to be suing me the next morning. Now, shut the hell up and buckle up.” , I said without even looking. He then put his seatbelt on and sat up straight. I could actually hear him breathing. He was weirdly silent and well-behaved.
“You okay, dude?”, I asked. He looked at me and looked away. “I had the craziest night. If I told you, would you let me go and forget about this whole thing? I don’t want to go to the hospital.”. I put on the brake and pulled over the car to the side of the road. I unfastened my seatbelt and turned to him.
“Dude, I’ll be glad to kick you out of the car. But I’ve got like 3 legal actions taken on me just this month. And I’m not gonna let some hitchhiker I hit to ruin my career when he files a lawsuit against me just because he doesn’t want to go to some freakin’ hospital.”. I was so pissed; I could actually see the vein on my forehead popped out. He looked at me and crinkled his forehead.
“You’re Jammy ! Jammy Suzanne? Are you really that singer, Jammy?”. He asked with a shock look on his face. I rolled my eyes. “It’s really you, isn’t it?. Oh my god. I cant believe Jammy Suzanne ran me over.”. I looked at him with my eyebrows raised. “I didn’t run you over. I just hit you and hurt your knee. Don’t exaggerate.”. He then put a smile on his face which kind of made me worried.
“What?”
“Nothing. I’ve just, never been in a car with a superstar before.”
“Well, next time, just jump off in front of other car you’d find on the road. You might be under Miley Cyrus’s car in the future, who knows!”
“ Wow, you’re more delightful on TV.”
“Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you something, Sweety! It’s showbiz. Even our breasts aren’t real”. I couldn’t believe I just said that but I did. My mother always says that I’m the only daughter who has the senses. But after 11pm and just hit a guy, most of my senses were all gone.
“Whatever. I think I’m gonna go.”. He opened the door but then almost fell. I later remember that he hurt his knee. He closed the door and tried to walk but he stopped after a few steps. I was being such an ass but I was still human. I got out off the car and walked toward him.
“Well, at least let me give you a ride. That’s the least I can do.”
“Would you promise not to yell at me again?”. I nodded. He got into the car and I drove away. His house was only 2 blocks away. Not more than 3 minutes, he said, “Oh, This is me!”. I stopped the car. He smiled at me and opened the door. Then he looked at me.
“Hey, Thank you. I know you try so hard to be a bad ass, but deep down inside I know you’re such a sweet girl. Take care.”. Then he walked away. Watching him walking to his door suddenly gave me the craziest idea. I got out of the car and chased him.
“Hey, you want to be my boyfriend?”. I asked nervously, really scared to know the answer.
“hmmm, that’s so sweet and you’re sweet but I’m gay.”
“Ahahaha,,Now that makes this even easier. What if I say I’m gonna pay your rent and anything you need? Just be my boyfriend for, hmmm I don’t know, 3 months?”
“Ok. You’re crazy! oh, wait! I know what this is about. This must be about the allegations right? You know, about you being gay?”, he asked. I smiled at him but I didn’t say a thing.
“I knew it. So, are you really gay? Come on, you can tell me.”, he said.
“Oh right, I avoid this question from the media and you expect me to tell you! No way. So, are we doing this?”, I asked eagerly. I really wanted this to happen. He looked like he was thinking and he had this evil look on his face.
“Would you get me a car, as well?”, he demanded. “Deal!”, I said. “ So, I guess we’re doing this. Now get some sleep and I’ll pick you up first thing in the morning.”. I was so excited knowing that I could finally put those stupid allegations to an end.
“Wait. What if they find out?”. I turned my head and hold his hand. “Don’t worry! I’ll take care of everything. I promise!”.
I promised to him to make sure that everything would be taken care of. That was the promise. But that was a year ago. I didn’t know what to do. Joshua was about to get paid $700,000 to appear on TV to admit that I was paying him to be my boyfriend. And to make things worse, there were some controversial photos of me kissing a woman all over the internet and Joshua would be the one to be asked about the photos. I have to admit those pictures were really mine.
“I’m doomed! You know what, listen to me. Don’t accept any invitation or money until I get back. I need to be on stage in 2 minutes. I’ll see you then, ok?”. I put on my ear piece and I was ready to go. But just as I was walking out the door, he pulled my arm. I turned my head and he came near me. His hand reached my forehead and he ran his hand down my face. Our lips touched.
“Good luck, ok? I’ll always be with you no matter what.”. I could only smile. I was stunned. That was the first kiss we ever had since I first met him. It’s not like I’ve never thought of kissing him. I have. Most of the times, really. It’s just that I never thought he would be interested.
I was already on stage. But all I could think was the kiss we just had. My heart was pounding so hard. I was confused. I never thought I would ever fall for a guy. And a guy like Joshua was the last guy I ever wanted to fall for. He’d never like a woman. But if he liked guys, what on earth that made him want to kiss me? Did he like me? I wasn’t even sure that I like him. Is he straight? Am I straight now? Or have I always been straight all this time? There was no way I could ever answer that now. But I definitely felt something.
Oh great! I’ve never been in love and my first love ever was a gay guy! Ain’t life G.O.O.D??
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 1)
It is a windy afternoon. I’m holding a glass of orange juice in my hand. I have no idea why I’m having it with pulp. I am just sitting in my living room looking at my TV set which is not even turned on. It’s 12.30 and I still haven’t had my breakfast. I just don’t feel like it. I look at the dining table and I see Joshua’s bracelet. I still remember the look on his face when he tossed it last night. I wasn’t sure what he was feeling but I definitely remember his facial expression. He looked so mad and heated but I could almost swear I saw the tears in his eyes.
“ I want us to stop pretending. I know it, and you know it!”, he screamed, seconds before he forcefully took off the bracelet and tossed it on the table. I was stunned. My chest was going up and down. There I was standing in front of him and for the first time ever in my life, I had nothing to say.
“Take back your keys. I’m moving out and I’m not taking anything with me. Take your car back.”. He threw the keys right to my face. I didn’t even look away. I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. Except deceived. He walked away. I didn’t even watch him walk towards the door. I almost screamed when I heard the door slammed. Then, my cell phone rang. It took me seconds to reach it in my pocket. I looked at the screen.
“Joshua?”. But I didn’t hear a voice. The voice I was hoping to hear. “Hello, Joshy?”. Nothing, still. I was hoping and waiting for him to speak. “Jammy?”. A soft tiny little voice was heard. “Joshy. You there? Joshua?”. I heard a sobbing voice but I couldn’t really tell. I suddenly had the guts to speak. But as usual, I always end up saying the wrong thing. “What? You forgot your Speedo or something?”. Unsurprisingly, he hung up. I threw the phone on the floor. I walked toward the door and opened it.
“When I said I was moving out, I was really kind of hoping you would stop me.”. I knew where he was going with it. We always got ourselves into fights and made up when one of us finally admitting faults. But it was different this time. I didn’t feel like making up this time. “Arent you gonna’ let me in?”. he asked, again. “You want us to stop pretending. I think I want to start right away”. I slammed the door hard.
I leaned myself against the door and I could hear clearly that he was crying. Louder and louder. Then he stopped and I could hear footsteps fading away. And that’s all I could remember before I woke up and found myself on the floor this morning. I always thought that after a long sleep, I would finally get over things. But this isn’t any ordinary thing. This is Joshua. A guy who I met for less than an hour a year ago and before I knew it, he changed my entire life and turned it upside down. I wish I could turn back the time. Way back before this whole thing started a month ago. We were in my make-up room.
“And?”, I asked eagerly. He kept silent. He then sat on the couch just looking at his nails. His black nails which I painted them myself. He acted like nothing happened. “Then what happened?”, I kept asking hoping he would answer. But he was never really good at handling awkward moments. The only thing he could do at the moment was to switch gears. He changed the subject. “What time are you performing? Please sing the songs I’ve picked for you last night. Now that would be cool, wouldn’t it?”. I gave him a very fierce look knowing that it always works in nailing him down.
“Would you stop being gay and start being my boyfriend for a minute?” I asked after I demanded the make-up artist to give us some privacy. I sat beside him on the couch and hold both his hands. I looked straight into his eyes giving signals of wanting to hear more. “So?”. He still didn’t say a word. “oh come on, you little faggot! I gotta be on stage in 7 minutes.”. I was lying. I got plenty of time.
“They say they want to do an interview with me. Apparently they’re paying me $700,000 for a 30-minute interview”. That news kind of opened my eyes so wide. I was shocked and I didn’t realize that my mouth was open. Joshua looked at me waiting for my respond.
“eer…Just to..to talk about our relationship?”, I stammered. He nodded. I didn’t know what to say. I definitely couldn’t keep my promise. The promise I made to him a year ago upon our first meeting. Well, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. If you ever hit someone with a car, you’d understand.
..............................................................................................................................................................
“Oh my god. Dude, are you ok?”.
TO BE CONTINUED
“ I want us to stop pretending. I know it, and you know it!”, he screamed, seconds before he forcefully took off the bracelet and tossed it on the table. I was stunned. My chest was going up and down. There I was standing in front of him and for the first time ever in my life, I had nothing to say.
“Take back your keys. I’m moving out and I’m not taking anything with me. Take your car back.”. He threw the keys right to my face. I didn’t even look away. I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. Except deceived. He walked away. I didn’t even watch him walk towards the door. I almost screamed when I heard the door slammed. Then, my cell phone rang. It took me seconds to reach it in my pocket. I looked at the screen.
“Joshua?”. But I didn’t hear a voice. The voice I was hoping to hear. “Hello, Joshy?”. Nothing, still. I was hoping and waiting for him to speak. “Jammy?”. A soft tiny little voice was heard. “Joshy. You there? Joshua?”. I heard a sobbing voice but I couldn’t really tell. I suddenly had the guts to speak. But as usual, I always end up saying the wrong thing. “What? You forgot your Speedo or something?”. Unsurprisingly, he hung up. I threw the phone on the floor. I walked toward the door and opened it.
“When I said I was moving out, I was really kind of hoping you would stop me.”. I knew where he was going with it. We always got ourselves into fights and made up when one of us finally admitting faults. But it was different this time. I didn’t feel like making up this time. “Arent you gonna’ let me in?”. he asked, again. “You want us to stop pretending. I think I want to start right away”. I slammed the door hard.
I leaned myself against the door and I could hear clearly that he was crying. Louder and louder. Then he stopped and I could hear footsteps fading away. And that’s all I could remember before I woke up and found myself on the floor this morning. I always thought that after a long sleep, I would finally get over things. But this isn’t any ordinary thing. This is Joshua. A guy who I met for less than an hour a year ago and before I knew it, he changed my entire life and turned it upside down. I wish I could turn back the time. Way back before this whole thing started a month ago. We were in my make-up room.
“And?”, I asked eagerly. He kept silent. He then sat on the couch just looking at his nails. His black nails which I painted them myself. He acted like nothing happened. “Then what happened?”, I kept asking hoping he would answer. But he was never really good at handling awkward moments. The only thing he could do at the moment was to switch gears. He changed the subject. “What time are you performing? Please sing the songs I’ve picked for you last night. Now that would be cool, wouldn’t it?”. I gave him a very fierce look knowing that it always works in nailing him down.
“Would you stop being gay and start being my boyfriend for a minute?” I asked after I demanded the make-up artist to give us some privacy. I sat beside him on the couch and hold both his hands. I looked straight into his eyes giving signals of wanting to hear more. “So?”. He still didn’t say a word. “oh come on, you little faggot! I gotta be on stage in 7 minutes.”. I was lying. I got plenty of time.
“They say they want to do an interview with me. Apparently they’re paying me $700,000 for a 30-minute interview”. That news kind of opened my eyes so wide. I was shocked and I didn’t realize that my mouth was open. Joshua looked at me waiting for my respond.
“eer…Just to..to talk about our relationship?”, I stammered. He nodded. I didn’t know what to say. I definitely couldn’t keep my promise. The promise I made to him a year ago upon our first meeting. Well, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. If you ever hit someone with a car, you’d understand.
..............................................................................................................................................................
“Oh my god. Dude, are you ok?”.
TO BE CONTINUED
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