Hate You More (Chapter 1)

It is a windy afternoon. I’m holding a glass of orange juice in my hand. I have no idea why I’m having it with pulp. I am just sitting in my living room looking at my TV set which is not even turned on. It’s 12.30 and I still haven’t had my breakfast. I just don’t feel like it. I look at the dining table and I see Joshua’s bracelet. I still remember the look on his face when he tossed it last night. I wasn’t sure what he was feeling but I definitely remember his facial expression. He looked so mad and heated but I could almost swear I saw the tears in his eyes.

“ I want us to stop pretending. I know it, and you know it!”, he screamed, seconds before he forcefully took off the bracelet and tossed it on the table. I was stunned. My chest was going up and down. There I was standing in front of him and for the first time ever in my life, I had nothing to say.

“Take back your keys. I’m moving out and I’m not taking anything with me. Take your car back.”. He threw the keys right to my face. I didn’t even look away. I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. Except deceived. He walked away. I didn’t even watch him walk towards the door. I almost screamed when I heard the door slammed. Then, my cell phone rang. It took me seconds to reach it in my pocket. I looked at the screen.

“Joshua?”. But I didn’t hear a voice. The voice I was hoping to hear. “Hello, Joshy?”. Nothing, still. I was hoping and waiting for him to speak. “Jammy?”. A soft tiny little voice was heard. “Joshy. You there? Joshua?”. I heard a sobbing voice but I couldn’t really tell. I suddenly had the guts to speak. But as usual, I always end up saying the wrong thing. “What? You forgot your Speedo or something?”. Unsurprisingly, he hung up. I threw the phone on the floor. I walked toward the door and opened it.

“When I said I was moving out, I was really kind of hoping you would stop me.”. I knew where he was going with it. We always got ourselves into fights and made up when one of us finally admitting faults. But it was different this time. I didn’t feel like making up this time. “Arent you gonna’ let me in?”. he asked, again. “You want us to stop pretending. I think I want to start right away”. I slammed the door hard.

I leaned myself against the door and I could hear clearly that he was crying. Louder and louder. Then he stopped and I could hear footsteps fading away. And that’s all I could remember before I woke up and found myself on the floor this morning. I always thought that after a long sleep, I would finally get over things. But this isn’t any ordinary thing. This is Joshua. A guy who I met for less than an hour a year ago and before I knew it, he changed my entire life and turned it upside down. I wish I could turn back the time. Way back before this whole thing started a month ago. We were in my make-up room.

“And?”, I asked eagerly. He kept silent. He then sat on the couch just looking at his nails. His black nails which I painted them myself. He acted like nothing happened. “Then what happened?”, I kept asking hoping he would answer. But he was never really good at handling awkward moments. The only thing he could do at the moment was to switch gears. He changed the subject. “What time are you performing? Please sing the songs I’ve picked for you last night. Now that would be cool, wouldn’t it?”. I gave him a very fierce look knowing that it always works in nailing him down.

“Would you stop being gay and start being my boyfriend for a minute?” I asked after I demanded the make-up artist to give us some privacy. I sat beside him on the couch and hold both his hands. I looked straight into his eyes giving signals of wanting to hear more. “So?”. He still didn’t say a word. “oh come on, you little faggot! I gotta be on stage in 7 minutes.”. I was lying. I got plenty of time.

“They say they want to do an interview with me. Apparently they’re paying me $700,000 for a 30-minute interview”. That news kind of opened my eyes so wide. I was shocked and I didn’t realize that my mouth was open. Joshua looked at me waiting for my respond.
“eer…Just to..to talk about our relationship?”, I stammered. He nodded. I didn’t know what to say. I definitely couldn’t keep my promise. The promise I made to him a year ago upon our first meeting. Well, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. If you ever hit someone with a car, you’d understand.

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“Oh my god. Dude, are you ok?”.


TO BE CONTINUED