Chapter 15
“Oh come on!”. He tries to slam the door but I manage to push it back at him. He gives up. He walks to the living room and sits on the couch. He is soundless. He is just sitting there as if he’s waiting for me to actually say something.
“I came to see if you’re okay.”. I rub his shoulder gently. He nudges away. I try not to shock myself easily. I really need to get this thing straight. I take a deep long breath. I move my body closer to him. He moves his body an inch away from me. Again, I try not to get emotional.
“ What’s going on, Joshua? I.. I think…you need to stop. Stop doing this!”. I try to hold back my tears. He looks at me.
“Stop doing what?”. He almost shouts it.
“This ! This game!”. I shout it back at him.
“I ain’t playing a game. I’m being real”
“ Then tell me what’s going on. You’re getting on my nerves over here!”
“What is wrong with you?”. He shouts it, again. He looks so mad.
“What is wrong with YOU?”. I’m losing my mind. He sighs and stands up. He takes a look at me and walks.
“Please!”. I can’t help but to cry. I’m in tears. I’m dying to know. He’s still playing this stupid game of his. He turns his face. He comes back and sits on the couch.
“If I told you, would you get off my back?”
“ What? What are you saying?”
“ Would you leave for good if I told you everything?”.
“Josh?”. I whisper.
“Answer the question, Jammy”. I look down. I’m holding back my sadness. I try. But I can’t lie to myself. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. But most importantly, I feel unloved. I look at him. His chest is going up and down. He’s standing there waiting for my answer. I have no other choice than to nod. He sighs. He sulks it in and hold both of my shoulders. He inhales.
“Jammy…”. He stops. It looks like he tries to get words out of him. He looks like he’s having a hard time to even speak. I wait patiently. But I have to admit, I’ve never been this nervous. It’s like I’m waiting for a death sentence.
“I want you to stay calm. Don’t freak out. Jammy, I’m.. I’m…Oh my god! I’m not sure if I could do this!”. I’m about to lose my breath. He’s not making this any easier. I look at him deep into his eyes. He understands that I’m dying to know about it.
“Jammy, I’m..I’m”. He cries uncontrollably.
“I’m…I’m…positive!”. He looks down.
“You’re positive about what?”. I still don’t get it. He looks at me and has that puzzled expression on his face. He looks straight into my eyes and tries to explain. His eyes are wide open.
“Jammy…I’m positive…”
“Positive as in?”. I ask.
“As in…I’m…it’s ..eeer…H…H.I.V ! I’m…I’m H.I.V positive!”. His eyes are still on me. I feel like my heart is being ripped off. My head feels so heavy. I can feel the tears all over my cheeks and neck. He’s crying too.
“I just.. I …I love you so much..But knowing that I might be..dead? I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I’m getting closer to death day by day. I don’t want this feeling to grow. Because I don’t want to build something that I don’t get to see the ending.”
“Josh! I..I don’t know what to say..”. I startle. I really really don’t know what to say. Thousands of things are on my mind right now. Ugly things. He takes both of my hands and put them against his chest.
“ I don’t want to ruin your life. Being with me would just make things difficult. I know you’ve always thought that you were the worst thing that ever happened to me. You’ve always thought you’ve ruined my life by setting this entire thing up. But the truth is I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you. Without me, you wouldn’t be falling for me. Without me, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying for me. Without me….without me…you wouldn’t have to leave me.”. He cries harder while trying to finish his sentence.
He knees to the ground. He touches my feet. I can feel his warm tears dropping on my feet. I’m still not talking. Maybe because there’s nothing to be said. Some things are better left unsaid. I then sit down with him on the floor. I push my body against him. He really needs a hug. I hug him so tight, I can feel his heart beat. So weak. I cry even harder.
“Wait”. Suddenly I’m trying to say something. I wipe my tear and take off my jacket. He looks confused. He doesn’t really get what I was trying to do.
“I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you too. I’ve always thought that I could protect you. But to see you this weak really kills me. It really does, Honey. I want to live with you. But…but..not as much as I want to die with you”. He looks up. He still looks like he’s trying to figure out what I’m trying to suggest. I untie my hair and get nearer to him. My chest gently presses against his. He wipes his tears.
“Give it to me!”. I whisper it. He wrinkles his forehead.
“What? What do you mean?”.
“Let’s do it!”
“What?”
“Sleep me with. Infect me. I don’t care. I’ll do anything to be with you!”.
“You’re crazy!”. He pushes me until my head bumps the edge of the couch. I don’t get it. Why is he trying to avoid? Isn’t this what he’s been wanting? To be with me?
“You don’t understand. Let’s do it and we don’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. Because then we’ll both have it. We’ll be in this together. We’ll be together until we die.”. I touch his face trying to get a kiss from him. He pushes my hand.
“No, YOU don’t understand! Do you think having it is fun?”. He grabs my neck. “You have no idea what’s waiting for you once you have it. I do. And I don’t think you can handle it”.
“And…and you think you..you can handle it? By yourself?”. My tears start running again. My eyes are swelling. Seeing me bursting in tears makes him cries uncontrollably.
“I don’t know. But I have to find out by myself. I’m the one who caused this trouble. Let me deal with it. You should have nothing to do with this. You should have nothing to do with me now!”. He grabs my arm and drags me out the door and slams it. I don’t feel like knocking like I always did after being thrown away. I feel so empty. And I know he feels the same way. Josh, I’m going to miss you. A lot. A lot!
\
* * *
“So, all I have to say, PLAY SAFE!”. Everybody giggles after they hear my last sentence. They stand up and start applauding. Camera flashes are everywhere. I give my best poses to them. I’m really glad that I agreed to do this although this whole thing has been such an experience for me. At the very corner of the room, a middle-aged woman dressed in black come on to me smiling in joy.
“Miss Suzanne! You have no idea how this means to our organization. Your devotion and dedication to our organization and our campaign is unbelievable. I pray for your happiness in every walk of life.”. She can’t stop smiling and shaking my hand. To tell the truth, that kind of makes me proud of myself.
“It’s a pleasure to be here and be part of this. You don’t have to worry about the future of your organization. I promise I’ll always support you guys. And trust me; if there’s anything you want me to do, I’ll help”. I chuckle.
“Wow, now that’s a good ambassador!”.She smiles back at me.
“Hey, I’m just trying to help. I mean, I really..really understand how these AIDS and HIV patients deserve to live longer. I do.”
She hugs me and walks away. I guess my job here is done. I go get my bag and my car keys and I’m ready to go. I walk to the parking lot and unlock my car. I get in.
“Hey.”. A tender voice strikes me. I look at the wind shield. A figure of a guy with fair skin is standing in front of me. He walks near me and smile.
“Josh, you came!”
“I did!”. He laughs. He is smiling and I have to say I’ve never seen him that sweet.
“But you’re late, honey. The conference ended like 20 minutes ago”.
“ I was here the whole time. You didn’t notice me.”He smiles again. So do I.
“I’m proud of you! What you’ve done..well, it really means a lot to me!”, he says. I feel warm each time I see him standing there in front of me. He doesn’t have to say or do anything. Just knowing that he’s there just gives me joy.
“I miss you, Jay!”. He touches my hand with his cold palm.
“I miss you more!”. I can see his eyes sparkle. He looks beautiful. Beyond words. He smiles again. As always, his smile never fails to melt me down.
“ahahaha.. You miss me more? Not possible!”. He walks away. He catches a look at me and turns his head away. I get out of the car to chase him. But I can’t seem to find him. He disappears as always.
Ever since he died 2 months ago, I keep seeing him everywhere. And I see him and talk to him almost every day. But he keeps fading away from me. Just like that. I can’t seem to get over him. I can’t. He was my life.
“Josh,
I hate you for giving me promises you never kept,
I hate you for coming into my life and then leaving me,
I hate you for making me believe in forever,
I hate you for making me love you,
I know you’ll hate me if you hear all these things about me hating you,
But I HATE YOU MORE”
The End
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Hate You More (Chapter 14)
Chapter 14
“Who are you?”
“Ok this is fun! You knocked on my door and I’m the one who should introduce myself”
“My name is Jammy”
“Now this is even more fun! I know who you are. Everyone does! Fun! Fun! Fun!”
“And I’m the one who’s not having any fun! Where’s Joshua?”, I ask. This guy is annoying. He looks surprised.
“You mean… You haven’t heard?”, he asks.
“What? What? What do you mean?”, I ask. What is he talking about?
“I thought he’s told you!”
“What is it?”
“He’s moved to the suburb. His late mother left a house for him there. He said he was going to tell you”
“Oh my god! That was him! He called me last night. It said ‘unknown caller’, so I didn’t pick up. Do you know where he went?”
* * *
“Hello? Joshy? It’s me. Open up”. Nobody. I push the door knob. It is open. I walk in. The living room is empty. There is a bedroom on my left. I walk into the room. I can not believe my eyes. There he is! There is Joshua. I feel an instant relieve on my chest. I thought I wasn’t going to see him again and there he is, sitting on the side of the bed. Crying. Wait! He’s crying! The love of my life is crying. I have Goosebumps all over my body. Why is he crying? Am I supposed to do something?
“Josh?”. He turns. He wipes his tears hurriedly. He looks at me. He looks surprised.
“Jammy? How did you find me here?”
“That guy..he was in your house..he gave me the address. Are you okay?”
“Jammy, I think you should go.”. He pushes me gently. The tears are still visible in his eyes. And some on his cheeks. His pinkish red cheeks.
“What? Why? Is there something I should know?”
“ I said go!”
“Wait. What’s wrong? Why didn’t you tell me you were moving here?”
“I tried to tell you..”
“Oh, yeah..about that. I didn’t know it was you. Now, why are you crying?”
“I don’t think this is such a good idea.”. He stands and drags me out of the room.
“You should leave”. He throws me out the door. I stare at him. His chest is going up and down.
“Josh?”
“ You’ll hate me now but as time goes by, you’d know this is the right thing to do!”
“Would you stop talking nonsense? I want you to tell me what’s going on and I want you to tell me right now?”
“Oh, is that an order of yours again? I’m not your slave. At least not anymore. I quit, remember? Now go before I call the cops”
“You’re calling the cops on me?”. He nods. He looks so furious but strangely, he still has tears in his eyes. What is he hiding from me? And why is he hiding it from me?
“ Jammy, look at me! You need to go. Believe me! I’m doing the right thing”. The tears on his eyes are now all over his face. I’m going crazy. I grab his collar.
“Please don’t do this! Please! You’re freaking me out. Why, all of the sudden are you trying to avoid me? If you’re dying to get me out of your face, at least tell me what’s going on? Please don’t do this.”. Tears are all over my face.
“Jammy, please! I’m begging you. This isn’t easy for me either. I hope…I hope you understand. I need a break from all this. You..you take care.”. He closes the door. There I am crying my heart out in front of his door.
“Josh! You said I was your friend! You forgot about our friendship? I know I didn’t. I met a lot of annoying people my entire life. But none of them broke my heart like you did. I..I know things haven’t been going the way we planned..But..Josh…open the door.”. I’m shouting. I’m shouting in the hopes of him opening the door. But there’s no sign of it. None. I have no place to go. I’m 50miles away from home and I don’t really know this place. I’m not going. I’m not. This isn’t over. I need to know. I need to know. Yes, I do!
“Who are you?”
“Ok this is fun! You knocked on my door and I’m the one who should introduce myself”
“My name is Jammy”
“Now this is even more fun! I know who you are. Everyone does! Fun! Fun! Fun!”
“And I’m the one who’s not having any fun! Where’s Joshua?”, I ask. This guy is annoying. He looks surprised.
“You mean… You haven’t heard?”, he asks.
“What? What? What do you mean?”, I ask. What is he talking about?
“I thought he’s told you!”
“What is it?”
“He’s moved to the suburb. His late mother left a house for him there. He said he was going to tell you”
“Oh my god! That was him! He called me last night. It said ‘unknown caller’, so I didn’t pick up. Do you know where he went?”
* * *
“Hello? Joshy? It’s me. Open up”. Nobody. I push the door knob. It is open. I walk in. The living room is empty. There is a bedroom on my left. I walk into the room. I can not believe my eyes. There he is! There is Joshua. I feel an instant relieve on my chest. I thought I wasn’t going to see him again and there he is, sitting on the side of the bed. Crying. Wait! He’s crying! The love of my life is crying. I have Goosebumps all over my body. Why is he crying? Am I supposed to do something?
“Josh?”. He turns. He wipes his tears hurriedly. He looks at me. He looks surprised.
“Jammy? How did you find me here?”
“That guy..he was in your house..he gave me the address. Are you okay?”
“Jammy, I think you should go.”. He pushes me gently. The tears are still visible in his eyes. And some on his cheeks. His pinkish red cheeks.
“What? Why? Is there something I should know?”
“ I said go!”
“Wait. What’s wrong? Why didn’t you tell me you were moving here?”
“I tried to tell you..”
“Oh, yeah..about that. I didn’t know it was you. Now, why are you crying?”
“I don’t think this is such a good idea.”. He stands and drags me out of the room.
“You should leave”. He throws me out the door. I stare at him. His chest is going up and down.
“Josh?”
“ You’ll hate me now but as time goes by, you’d know this is the right thing to do!”
“Would you stop talking nonsense? I want you to tell me what’s going on and I want you to tell me right now?”
“Oh, is that an order of yours again? I’m not your slave. At least not anymore. I quit, remember? Now go before I call the cops”
“You’re calling the cops on me?”. He nods. He looks so furious but strangely, he still has tears in his eyes. What is he hiding from me? And why is he hiding it from me?
“ Jammy, look at me! You need to go. Believe me! I’m doing the right thing”. The tears on his eyes are now all over his face. I’m going crazy. I grab his collar.
“Please don’t do this! Please! You’re freaking me out. Why, all of the sudden are you trying to avoid me? If you’re dying to get me out of your face, at least tell me what’s going on? Please don’t do this.”. Tears are all over my face.
“Jammy, please! I’m begging you. This isn’t easy for me either. I hope…I hope you understand. I need a break from all this. You..you take care.”. He closes the door. There I am crying my heart out in front of his door.
“Josh! You said I was your friend! You forgot about our friendship? I know I didn’t. I met a lot of annoying people my entire life. But none of them broke my heart like you did. I..I know things haven’t been going the way we planned..But..Josh…open the door.”. I’m shouting. I’m shouting in the hopes of him opening the door. But there’s no sign of it. None. I have no place to go. I’m 50miles away from home and I don’t really know this place. I’m not going. I’m not. This isn’t over. I need to know. I need to know. Yes, I do!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Hate You More (Chapter 13)
It’s morning. Again. I’m all alone. Again. I’m missing someone. Again. I walk to the living room to check on my answering machine. There’s a red light on it. Someone must’ve left a message last night.
“Morning. I was just...I’m calling because...Emm...I know you’re asleep. How many times have I told you not to sleep late? Eemm...so, how are you? err...You okay? Your manager told me you’ve canceled most of your shows. I hope ...I hope that...Err...You know what, ermm, I’ll call you back”.
Oh my god. I totally recognize the voice. Yes. Yes I do.
Next Message! Beep!
Baby, If you’ve heard the previous message, just..emm..just ignore it. I really have something to say. emm..Well, I..i know you hate me now. I’m sorry. I..oh my god..I really thought I could do this. But I couldn’t. I’ll call you. I’ll call you back! Maybe! emm…Bye”
Last Message! Beep!
You said my skinny jeans make me look fat but I hate you more,
You said I talked like a transvestite but I hate you more,
You thought I had a terrible taste in guys but I hate you more,
You thought my taste in women were even worse but I hate you more,
You’ve said everything
When I said you looked sweet, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were nice, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were beautiful, it meant I hated you,
When I said I was jealous of your success, it meant I hated you
I’ve said everything except this one thing
I…I…I love you!!
He …he… loves me? I have to call him. Right now.
TO BE CONTINUED
“Morning. I was just...I’m calling because...Emm...I know you’re asleep. How many times have I told you not to sleep late? Eemm...so, how are you? err...You okay? Your manager told me you’ve canceled most of your shows. I hope ...I hope that...Err...You know what, ermm, I’ll call you back”.
Oh my god. I totally recognize the voice. Yes. Yes I do.
Next Message! Beep!
Baby, If you’ve heard the previous message, just..emm..just ignore it. I really have something to say. emm..Well, I..i know you hate me now. I’m sorry. I..oh my god..I really thought I could do this. But I couldn’t. I’ll call you. I’ll call you back! Maybe! emm…Bye”
Last Message! Beep!
You said my skinny jeans make me look fat but I hate you more,
You said I talked like a transvestite but I hate you more,
You thought I had a terrible taste in guys but I hate you more,
You thought my taste in women were even worse but I hate you more,
You’ve said everything
When I said you looked sweet, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were nice, it meant I hated you,
When I said you were beautiful, it meant I hated you,
When I said I was jealous of your success, it meant I hated you
I’ve said everything except this one thing
I…I…I love you!!
He …he… loves me? I have to call him. Right now.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 12)
I wear it on my wrist. The bracelet seems loose and wobbly. Joshua’s wrist has always been bigger than mine. The bracelet meant so much for the both of us. It meant love and friendship. It meant we’d always have each other. It meant we’d never keep secrets between one another. But those what it used to be. Now? The bracelet is on the wrong wrist. It is supposed to be on a wrist owned by someone who is pure and knows his place. Someone who’s not afraid to be his true self. Now, it’s on a wrist owned by someone who had a chance but blew it. Someone who had everything she needed under her nose but pretended not to see it.
My tears fall down on my wrist. They fall right on the bracelet. I wipe it off. The writing that says “Hate You More” on the bracelet really crushes my heart. My heart feels like it’s flying. My head is spinning. I’m crying my heart out. I really need someone next to me. Joshua. I need him. The room still smells like him. It feels like he’s here; except that he’s not! I touch the bracelet on my wrist. I still remember the first thing he said when I first got him the bracelet.
“Gross!”. I stared at him. I went all the way to some stall and bought him a bracelet. I even got it specially carved for him and that was the first thing he said. Gross!
“Gross? What are you talking about?”, I said. I tried to snatch the bracelet from his palm but he dragged it behind his back.
“You got me a bracelet”, he said while doing the stupid air-quotes. “You’re acting like we’re some kind of..you know..one of those cheesy loving couple. Hmmm, I say GROSS!”, he laughed his butt off. “And I’m the gay one?”, he continued laughing. I looked down; trying to show him I was sulking up. He realized and stopped his laughs. He tried to look straight at my face but I looked away. I could feel him grabbing me from behind. I felt chills all over my body.
“Hey, I was just kidding. I’m sorry.”, he said. He showed the bracelet. He was already wearing it. “I love it. It’s so sweet and..and..romantic.”. I looked at him. He slowly pulled me. I leaned on his shoulder. He looked at the bracelet again.
“When you say ‘Hate You More’, what are you trying to suggest?”, he asked while still looking at the bracelet.
“Well, I just thought it was funny! You know how those love couples have their stuff carved ‘Forever Love’, or ‘Love You Too’..or..or.. ‘Ever After’. ‘Hate You More’! Now, that’s going to be a part of history.”. I laughed. So did he. He took my hand and put it on his mouth.
“So, are you saying that you hate me?”. He asked, but he asked it gently. It was like he was asking a question when he already knew what the answer was. I looked at him. I smiled and put my hand on his lap. I nodded.
“I hate you.”, I whispered it in his ear. He looked down and he had a slight smile on his face. He smiled at me. I was so happy and was having the best time of my life. But I had no idea why. I was happy. That was all I knew.
“Well, I hate you more!”, he said while he wobbled the bracelet to my face. I smiled, again. I wish I had a camera so I could record this. This very moment. Because it was too good to be true. I knew that no moment is too good to last.
“Not possible”, I replied. He had a cute giggle. I melted. Oh my god! Was I falling for him? I couldn’t tell.
But now? YES I CAN! I can tell that I’m falling for him. I can tell that it’s him I’ve been thinking about. I can tell that he’s the only reason I live. I can tell that he’s the only one who could put a smile on my face. But the question is, is he feeling the same or this is just a one-way street? I mean he once said that he loved me. But I didn’t think he was serious. Yes, he said it. He said that he loved me.Well, technically.He said it but in his own way.
The kiss. The kiss we had after the show was amazing. At least I thought it was. The kiss took place hours before he left for my house to pack all his stuff. He was ready to leave. He was ready to leave his car. He was ready to leave all the camera flashes. He was ready to leave the mansion. He was ready to leave the fame. But most importantly, HE WAS READY TO LEAVE ME. And he did. But when he tried to come back, I rejected him. I rejected the only chance for me to be happy. I rejected him. I rejected him. I rejected him.
My phone rings. I look at the screen. ‘Unknown Caller’. Hmmm. I’m not in the mood to entertain anyone. Not now. I need to get some sleep. Only god knows if I ever wake up tomorrow.
To BE CONTINUED
My tears fall down on my wrist. They fall right on the bracelet. I wipe it off. The writing that says “Hate You More” on the bracelet really crushes my heart. My heart feels like it’s flying. My head is spinning. I’m crying my heart out. I really need someone next to me. Joshua. I need him. The room still smells like him. It feels like he’s here; except that he’s not! I touch the bracelet on my wrist. I still remember the first thing he said when I first got him the bracelet.
“Gross!”. I stared at him. I went all the way to some stall and bought him a bracelet. I even got it specially carved for him and that was the first thing he said. Gross!
“Gross? What are you talking about?”, I said. I tried to snatch the bracelet from his palm but he dragged it behind his back.
“You got me a bracelet”, he said while doing the stupid air-quotes. “You’re acting like we’re some kind of..you know..one of those cheesy loving couple. Hmmm, I say GROSS!”, he laughed his butt off. “And I’m the gay one?”, he continued laughing. I looked down; trying to show him I was sulking up. He realized and stopped his laughs. He tried to look straight at my face but I looked away. I could feel him grabbing me from behind. I felt chills all over my body.
“Hey, I was just kidding. I’m sorry.”, he said. He showed the bracelet. He was already wearing it. “I love it. It’s so sweet and..and..romantic.”. I looked at him. He slowly pulled me. I leaned on his shoulder. He looked at the bracelet again.
“When you say ‘Hate You More’, what are you trying to suggest?”, he asked while still looking at the bracelet.
“Well, I just thought it was funny! You know how those love couples have their stuff carved ‘Forever Love’, or ‘Love You Too’..or..or.. ‘Ever After’. ‘Hate You More’! Now, that’s going to be a part of history.”. I laughed. So did he. He took my hand and put it on his mouth.
“So, are you saying that you hate me?”. He asked, but he asked it gently. It was like he was asking a question when he already knew what the answer was. I looked at him. I smiled and put my hand on his lap. I nodded.
“I hate you.”, I whispered it in his ear. He looked down and he had a slight smile on his face. He smiled at me. I was so happy and was having the best time of my life. But I had no idea why. I was happy. That was all I knew.
“Well, I hate you more!”, he said while he wobbled the bracelet to my face. I smiled, again. I wish I had a camera so I could record this. This very moment. Because it was too good to be true. I knew that no moment is too good to last.
“Not possible”, I replied. He had a cute giggle. I melted. Oh my god! Was I falling for him? I couldn’t tell.
But now? YES I CAN! I can tell that I’m falling for him. I can tell that it’s him I’ve been thinking about. I can tell that he’s the only reason I live. I can tell that he’s the only one who could put a smile on my face. But the question is, is he feeling the same or this is just a one-way street? I mean he once said that he loved me. But I didn’t think he was serious. Yes, he said it. He said that he loved me.Well, technically.He said it but in his own way.
The kiss. The kiss we had after the show was amazing. At least I thought it was. The kiss took place hours before he left for my house to pack all his stuff. He was ready to leave. He was ready to leave his car. He was ready to leave all the camera flashes. He was ready to leave the mansion. He was ready to leave the fame. But most importantly, HE WAS READY TO LEAVE ME. And he did. But when he tried to come back, I rejected him. I rejected the only chance for me to be happy. I rejected him. I rejected him. I rejected him.
My phone rings. I look at the screen. ‘Unknown Caller’. Hmmm. I’m not in the mood to entertain anyone. Not now. I need to get some sleep. Only god knows if I ever wake up tomorrow.
To BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 11)
He said this whole thing was such a fake. And now I’m not in the position to deny it. I bought him a car so that he would hold my hand on the red carpet. I bought him posh and costly clothes so he would kiss on my cheek every time we saw the paparazzi taking our pictures. I brought him to classy dinners so that he would act romantic and passionately towards me. Yes. I did all that. I did all the good things for all the wrong reasons. But there’s one thing I bought for him which I didn’t ask for anything in return. But he retuned it with hate and disappointment. That bracelet. That silver bracelet I bought for him not long ago. We were at the beach back in my hometown having a weekend break together.
“ Oh my god! Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing!”, I asked him. There he was sitting on the sand looking very into what he was doing. He looked so concentrated; he didn’t even wipe the sweats coming down from his forehead. I sat next to him. I needed a break from all the ocean waves anyway.
“What? I’m making sand castles.”, he smiled. He looked so positively animated and excited. I looked at him.
“Sand castle? What are you, 10?”.
“You must’ve had a very terrible childhood. You’re always so bitter!”
“Very funny! You’re ONE funny gay guy, you know that?”
“There you go again! So bitter.”, he said. I ignored him and lied down on the mat. He kept on molding and sorting the sand. It was cute, really. He was such an adorable guy. So cute, I could eat him with a spoon.
“Done!”, he said. He waved his hand to me wanting me to look at it. I sat up and took a look at his ‘work of art’. Surprisingly amazing. I tried to come out with a gay joke on it but I got nothing. It was astounding, I gave him that.
“C+!”, I said.
“C+? You’re a monster.”. He did a ‘touch-up’ on it. I laughed. Then, we decided to walk along the beachside. It was one experience I could never forget. It was beautiful, with the sun setting, and the birds. It sounded cliché but it was nothing but the truth. He looked stunning under the sunset with only his boxer short.
“Can I ask you something?”. I asked him. I needed to get something off my chest.
“Yup, it hurts the first time”, he said.
“Huh?”.
I was so confused. I saw his lips moving but had no idea what he was saying.
“Oh, I thought you were going to ask about…err,,,anyway, what is it?”. His face turned red. Both cheeks.
“Well, I was just wondering..have you always known, errr you know..”. I couldn’t finish my sentence. I was hoping he would catch up.
“You mean, have I always known I was gay?”. He did catch up. I nodded. He looked up to the sky and took a long breath.
“ I knew I was gay when I was 16. I had this huge crush on my best friend. But he had a girlfriend back then. I often escorted them when they went out. My heart crushed every time I saw them kissing. But then one day, they broke up. So, I came on to him to tell him that I liked him.”
“And did you tell him? What did he say, then?”, I asked. I was so eager to know. He looked at me and grinned. We kept walking.
“I knew he was straight. And I knew he would be okay with it, but I had no idea that the confession I made changed our friendship forever.”. He looked like he was going to burst into tears but he pretended not to be.
“He moved out of town. We met minutes before he left. He gave me this beautiful silver bracelet with ‘ 4 – Eva’ written on it. It was the greatest gift I’ve ever had. I wore it every day”. He smiled again. That day I realized that he had the sweetest smile. I then took his hand and looked at his wrist.
“Where’s the bracelet? Why aren’t you wearing it anymore?”. I asked.
“When I was 19, my dad found out I was gay. He assumed that the bracelet was given by some guy I was dating. He ripped it off my wrist and threw it away.”.
I got shocked. He suddenly stopped walking. He looked away. I touched his shoulder and he looked at me.
“I know you’ll make a gay joke on me but…but…is it ok if I hug you?”. He asked. He had tears in his eyes.
“Hug me? oh, ermm,,I ..”, he hugged me before I could ever finish my sentence. He was sobbing and I tried to comfort him. He let go and took me sitting on a bench near the bench. My eyes caught a very unique stall near us.
“Erm, I’ll be back in a minute”., I said and went to the stall.
TO BE CONTINUED
“ Oh my god! Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing!”, I asked him. There he was sitting on the sand looking very into what he was doing. He looked so concentrated; he didn’t even wipe the sweats coming down from his forehead. I sat next to him. I needed a break from all the ocean waves anyway.
“What? I’m making sand castles.”, he smiled. He looked so positively animated and excited. I looked at him.
“Sand castle? What are you, 10?”.
“You must’ve had a very terrible childhood. You’re always so bitter!”
“Very funny! You’re ONE funny gay guy, you know that?”
“There you go again! So bitter.”, he said. I ignored him and lied down on the mat. He kept on molding and sorting the sand. It was cute, really. He was such an adorable guy. So cute, I could eat him with a spoon.
“Done!”, he said. He waved his hand to me wanting me to look at it. I sat up and took a look at his ‘work of art’. Surprisingly amazing. I tried to come out with a gay joke on it but I got nothing. It was astounding, I gave him that.
“C+!”, I said.
“C+? You’re a monster.”. He did a ‘touch-up’ on it. I laughed. Then, we decided to walk along the beachside. It was one experience I could never forget. It was beautiful, with the sun setting, and the birds. It sounded cliché but it was nothing but the truth. He looked stunning under the sunset with only his boxer short.
“Can I ask you something?”. I asked him. I needed to get something off my chest.
“Yup, it hurts the first time”, he said.
“Huh?”.
I was so confused. I saw his lips moving but had no idea what he was saying.
“Oh, I thought you were going to ask about…err,,,anyway, what is it?”. His face turned red. Both cheeks.
“Well, I was just wondering..have you always known, errr you know..”. I couldn’t finish my sentence. I was hoping he would catch up.
“You mean, have I always known I was gay?”. He did catch up. I nodded. He looked up to the sky and took a long breath.
“ I knew I was gay when I was 16. I had this huge crush on my best friend. But he had a girlfriend back then. I often escorted them when they went out. My heart crushed every time I saw them kissing. But then one day, they broke up. So, I came on to him to tell him that I liked him.”
“And did you tell him? What did he say, then?”, I asked. I was so eager to know. He looked at me and grinned. We kept walking.
“I knew he was straight. And I knew he would be okay with it, but I had no idea that the confession I made changed our friendship forever.”. He looked like he was going to burst into tears but he pretended not to be.
“He moved out of town. We met minutes before he left. He gave me this beautiful silver bracelet with ‘ 4 – Eva’ written on it. It was the greatest gift I’ve ever had. I wore it every day”. He smiled again. That day I realized that he had the sweetest smile. I then took his hand and looked at his wrist.
“Where’s the bracelet? Why aren’t you wearing it anymore?”. I asked.
“When I was 19, my dad found out I was gay. He assumed that the bracelet was given by some guy I was dating. He ripped it off my wrist and threw it away.”.
I got shocked. He suddenly stopped walking. He looked away. I touched his shoulder and he looked at me.
“I know you’ll make a gay joke on me but…but…is it ok if I hug you?”. He asked. He had tears in his eyes.
“Hug me? oh, ermm,,I ..”, he hugged me before I could ever finish my sentence. He was sobbing and I tried to comfort him. He let go and took me sitting on a bench near the bench. My eyes caught a very unique stall near us.
“Erm, I’ll be back in a minute”., I said and went to the stall.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 10)
The show ended. I got off the stage and rushed to my make-up room. I needed to find Joshua as soon as possible to discuss with him about him being paid to be interview. But he wasn’t there. I looked all over the place but couldn’t find him. I took my cell phone out of my purse and tried calling him. I heard a ringing on the couch table. Obviously he forgot to bring his cell phone with him. “Damn it!”. Then I heard a knocking on the door.
“Come in!”. Joshua walked in. “Want a soda?”. I stomped to him and threw his cell phone at him.
“ I gave you this phone for a reason!”. I yelled right to his face.
“I just went out to get some Soda.”
“There’s a bunch of Sodas in the refrigerator”. I pointed to the refrigerator in the room.
“Sorry. I never knew that.”
“Sorry? Is that the only word in your vocabulary?”. I asked.
“Why are you freaking out?”, he asked. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable.
“Why am I freaking out? I’ll tell you why! Because I’m about to lose my career to some f**king prime-time host just because a f**king faggot is getting paid for telling my f**king secret I’ve been trying to hide my whole f**king life. THAT’S WHY!!”.
I definitely lost my temper. I could feel the vein on my neck and the sweats on my forehead. Joshua stared into my eyes. He seemed so astonished. He had never seen me that livid and irritated before. I walked to the mirror. I tossed every single thing off the table. He didn’t have any clue of how to handle the situation I was having. He rather walked out off the room. I noticed him walked away. So, I chased him.
“Where are you going?”
“Home”
“Wait. I’ll get my purse.”
“No. I meant, mine!”.
“What? What are you saying, Joshy?”
“You know what, I need to be alone so bad right now!”
“Oh come on. Stop being such a girl!”
“Enough with all the gay jokes! What? You’ve got any problem with me being gay? If you do, I DON’T GIVE A F**k! At least, I’m being truthful to myself. At least, I know what I want!”. I had no idea such simple sentences could actually hurt me. Hurt like I’ve never been hurt before.
“Therefore, I want to stop lying for you. I’m sick of this. This whole thing is such a fake”. He walked a few steps before he turned his head to me. “That kiss we had is the only thing that isn’t!”. He walked.
TO BE CONTINUED
“Come in!”. Joshua walked in. “Want a soda?”. I stomped to him and threw his cell phone at him.
“ I gave you this phone for a reason!”. I yelled right to his face.
“I just went out to get some Soda.”
“There’s a bunch of Sodas in the refrigerator”. I pointed to the refrigerator in the room.
“Sorry. I never knew that.”
“Sorry? Is that the only word in your vocabulary?”. I asked.
“Why are you freaking out?”, he asked. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable.
“Why am I freaking out? I’ll tell you why! Because I’m about to lose my career to some f**king prime-time host just because a f**king faggot is getting paid for telling my f**king secret I’ve been trying to hide my whole f**king life. THAT’S WHY!!”.
I definitely lost my temper. I could feel the vein on my neck and the sweats on my forehead. Joshua stared into my eyes. He seemed so astonished. He had never seen me that livid and irritated before. I walked to the mirror. I tossed every single thing off the table. He didn’t have any clue of how to handle the situation I was having. He rather walked out off the room. I noticed him walked away. So, I chased him.
“Where are you going?”
“Home”
“Wait. I’ll get my purse.”
“No. I meant, mine!”.
“What? What are you saying, Joshy?”
“You know what, I need to be alone so bad right now!”
“Oh come on. Stop being such a girl!”
“Enough with all the gay jokes! What? You’ve got any problem with me being gay? If you do, I DON’T GIVE A F**k! At least, I’m being truthful to myself. At least, I know what I want!”. I had no idea such simple sentences could actually hurt me. Hurt like I’ve never been hurt before.
“Therefore, I want to stop lying for you. I’m sick of this. This whole thing is such a fake”. He walked a few steps before he turned his head to me. “That kiss we had is the only thing that isn’t!”. He walked.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hate You More (Chapter 9)
“I’m not talking to you!”. He looked away from me. He pretended like he was so into the sightseeing. He kept looking out the window of the cab, just to avoid talking to me. “Let me get this straight. You’re angry because we’re not going to Hawaii or the fact that we’re riding a cab instead of my Limo?”, I said, trying to settle things up. This time, he looked at me.
“I’m not angry! I’m just…not talking to you. End of story!”. He again, looked away. I sighed. I had to explain to him but he didn’t give me the chance to. I ran my fingers around his lap but he pushed my hand right away. I sat back and closed my eyes. That 30 minutes journey back to my house seemed like a long way to go.
Later that day, we arrived at my house. He didn’t even open the door for me like he always did. He threw his bags on the couch and lied down. I moved over to him and he got up. I pulled him back on the couch and sat next to him.
“I met Cathy at the airport.”
“I’m not listening!”
“You probably didn’t remember her.”
“I’m not interested!”
“Remember the night we went out to the club?”
“My eardrums aren’t working!”
“I kind of..errmm..hooked up with her in the backroom of the club”
“You sound better when you sing! Stop talking!”
“We made out..”
“ I think I’m going to sing a song to kill my time!”
“And he took some pictures of us kissing!”
“Whaaaaaaaattttttt?”, he was stunned to hear my very last sentence. He couldn’t keep his mouth closed. I was just looking at him waiting for him to actually say something about it.
It had been 15 minutes. I was at the kitchen counter making some juice while looking at him. He was still on the couch with his mouth and eyes opened wide. I walked towards him.
“So, are you going to say something or I’m just going to have to wait until you finish this stupid yoga meditation thingy?”, I asked him. He looked at finally. Finally he moved.
“What are you going to do? If these pictures get leaked through the internet, we’re screwed. This would totally blow our cover. Ok, this is NOT good.”, he said. His voice sounded weird. He had never been that serious.
“So, by showing the pictures to you, was she going to spread the pictures? So, are you saying she was technically threaten you?”, he asked. He was making that stupid ‘thinking face’ of his again.
“No. oh god, no! She’s not going to do that. I think…I think she’s going to print them out. She’s going to cut them and paste them on a little scrapbook. Then she’s going to show it to me and hoping for my autograph.”. I said to him, showing my love to sarcasm.
“Really? Fuh, good! I thought she was going to spread them on the internet.”. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a big fan of sarcasm.
“You know what I like about you, Joshy?
“What?”
“Nothing! Coz’ you’re stupid.
TO BE CONTINUED
“I’m not angry! I’m just…not talking to you. End of story!”. He again, looked away. I sighed. I had to explain to him but he didn’t give me the chance to. I ran my fingers around his lap but he pushed my hand right away. I sat back and closed my eyes. That 30 minutes journey back to my house seemed like a long way to go.
Later that day, we arrived at my house. He didn’t even open the door for me like he always did. He threw his bags on the couch and lied down. I moved over to him and he got up. I pulled him back on the couch and sat next to him.
“I met Cathy at the airport.”
“I’m not listening!”
“You probably didn’t remember her.”
“I’m not interested!”
“Remember the night we went out to the club?”
“My eardrums aren’t working!”
“I kind of..errmm..hooked up with her in the backroom of the club”
“You sound better when you sing! Stop talking!”
“We made out..”
“ I think I’m going to sing a song to kill my time!”
“And he took some pictures of us kissing!”
“Whaaaaaaaattttttt?”, he was stunned to hear my very last sentence. He couldn’t keep his mouth closed. I was just looking at him waiting for him to actually say something about it.
It had been 15 minutes. I was at the kitchen counter making some juice while looking at him. He was still on the couch with his mouth and eyes opened wide. I walked towards him.
“So, are you going to say something or I’m just going to have to wait until you finish this stupid yoga meditation thingy?”, I asked him. He looked at finally. Finally he moved.
“What are you going to do? If these pictures get leaked through the internet, we’re screwed. This would totally blow our cover. Ok, this is NOT good.”, he said. His voice sounded weird. He had never been that serious.
“So, by showing the pictures to you, was she going to spread the pictures? So, are you saying she was technically threaten you?”, he asked. He was making that stupid ‘thinking face’ of his again.
“No. oh god, no! She’s not going to do that. I think…I think she’s going to print them out. She’s going to cut them and paste them on a little scrapbook. Then she’s going to show it to me and hoping for my autograph.”. I said to him, showing my love to sarcasm.
“Really? Fuh, good! I thought she was going to spread them on the internet.”. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a big fan of sarcasm.
“You know what I like about you, Joshy?
“What?”
“Nothing! Coz’ you’re stupid.
TO BE CONTINUED
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